


Caves in Backyards

by SkippingStone



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Future Fic, Gen, Kid Fic, Light Angst, Light Smut, Minor Character Death, Sick Children, also: it's not beta read, peraltiago babies, sick jake, who am I kidding they are cute and married
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 08:29:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12553380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkippingStone/pseuds/SkippingStone
Summary: One day, Roger stands on their doorstep and tells them he won't live much longer. Next, there is an adorable boy and he is Jake's kid/baby brother and life changes unexpectedly.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Where do I even start? Maybe I am going to explain the context of this story. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a story called ‘Meanwhile the world goes on’. It was sad. I couldn’t live with leaving the characters in this state of blood and grief. So I wrote a happy story. Same family constellation, different universe. Basically.
> 
> I have a few words at the end, so, see you there :)

As so often when you think everything is running smoothly, something comes your way and plants itself right where you wanted to go. 

Today, Jake had everything planned out perfectly. He had taken the girls to the park that was further from their home so they had a longer way to walk. It’s playground was relatively empty today because the weather wasn’t the best, it was cold and it looked like rain all morning, so only a handful of parents and children had gathered around the playground equipment. He wanted to wear the girls out the best he could, he chased them around the trees until they demanded a break and a snack, and then let Ruby climb the monkey bars all the way to the top, multiple times. And while the older girl had found a new friend to join her which Jake was very impressed with and happy about considering how much time it usually took her to warm to strangers, he had taken June to the slide and had her climbing the five feet high ladder herself repeatedly for nearly an hour. Climb, run back to where Jake was standing waiting for her in order to overlook her efforts, slide, run back to the ladder, climb, slide, run back, climb, slide… and so on. It was still funny to him how children were so incredibly untiring when it came to slides or swings or really, any form of fun that involved kinetics. Occasionally, Ruby would join them for a few rounds and then run back to her new friend Clara. He wanted to make sure that both of them would take a nap today.

If that happened, he could take over Noah and send Amy for a bath or a nap, or both. It would be glorious. And when by tonight the whole gang was going to visit for Amy’s birthday, the kids would be less cranky at a much later point and maybe go down to sleep with less of a fight. 

Of course, everything came differently.

June was sleeping in her pushchair even before they set foot out of the park. Ruby was walking the first ten minutes, then for the next five minutes she stood on the buggy board in the back of the pushchair, the last five minutes she wanted to be carried. He negotiated her down to the last two minutes. (Well, she negotiated him up from a no to a yes and it took her three minutes. That was, obviously, not the story that he would tell.) Everything at this point was still running according to plan.

When they arrived home, he let himself in. Amy came out of the living room, placing herself into the doorway and smiled at him, it didn’t reach her eyes. He pulled his eyebrows up in question, but she only gestured with her hand that it could wait. His assumption was that maybe her parents had called to canceled for tonight. He could handle that in a minute.

“Bring the girls to bed first, please?” She whispered while she listened to Ruby telling her of her adventures in the park. That was the first attempt on Amy’s side to save the day. 

She walked over to them while he set Ruby on the stairs and helped her out of her hat, which she wanted to keep wearing, her jacket, her jumper, her shoes and her playground pants, which all came off much easier, all the while however she was getting grumpier and grumpier and less helpful in the process, simply because she was successfully worn out from the last few hours of climbing and running and making a new friend and thus very ready for a nap. When all she wanted was to keep wearing her shark-hat that Aunty Rosa had made for her. 

Amy carefully lifted June from the pushchair and closed the door. When Ruby was sitting in only a t-shirt and a pair of tights on the fourth step, her arms folded over her chest and her hat in protest, not wanting to give it back, Amy passed the younger girl over to Jake. 

When he reached for her hand to go upstairs, Ruby shook her head.

“Then lead the way.”

“But I can keep the hat?” 

“You can keep it, but I don’t want you to wear it in bed.” 

A whispered discussion followed them upstairs.

 

An hour earlier. 

Amy took a deep breath when she let herself fall onto the couch. Noah was finally asleep in the swing beside her and the house was presentable enough to have guests coming in the evening. Gladly, Charles had promised to cook and Gina would bring cake. Everything was going to be fine. 

Until the doorbell rang despite the fact she wasn’t expecting someone this early. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head. She had a slight feeling that she wouldn’t get a bath today. Or a nap. Everything was planned so well. Why didn’t things work out for once?

And she was right. When she opened the door, Roger, who she hadn’t seen in more than two years, stood there with his hands in his pockets and a hollow expression on his face. How did he know where they lived? They had moved here only last year? The audacity to show up at any day, but ruin her day on top of that! 

“What do you want?” The words in the defensive tone in which she spoke them, were almost foreign on her tongue. And as if the baby in the other room felt the change in mood, he started to first whimper which then developed into full-on crying. Amy decided to ignore it for the moment and at least wait for an answer. Even though she already assumed that it wasn’t a nice reason… maybe she should simply close the door in his face.

“Is Jake there?”

“No.” 

“Is he coming back soon? Maybe I can wait. It’s important.” They stared each other down for almost a minute. Noah was screaming by that point and Amy’s brain was rattling over whether to send him on his way right away. Only when she realized he was getting uncomfortable, maybe with the situation as a whole, or with her or with the baby screaming, she decided to go ahead and ask him more questions.

“Why, Roger? What do you need from him?”

“I am dying and I need to talk about it with him.” The answer was straightforward and it almost didn’t shock Amy, which was strange in itself. There were so many emotions that were so far from pity for that man that his words barely affected her. As such, she nodded turned around and didn’t close the front door while she walked to her screaming son, hating Roger for successfully ruining her day in particular and her husbands life in general.

He followed her inside, closing the door behind him. Amy picked up Noah and didn’t took further notice in her father-in-law standing in the doorway to the living-room. She shushed her baby and nodded to the couch for him to sit before she walked into the kitchen to make coffee. She didn’t bother with asking Roger whether he wanted some or not. She put a cup in front of him and he thanked her. She contemplated sitting with him or going upstairs and wait for Jake there. She thought about calling Jake and tell him to come home, she considered breastfeeding Noah right here to make the man more uncomfortable.She debated whether that should be here goal at all.... also Amy just feed him half an hour ago, so maybe that plan was out of the window anyways… she could maybe change him here on the floor, that was a thing she would definitely have to do soon and if she had to guess, Roger hadn’t done that once in his whole fatherhood career and he would hate it. 

In all honesty, she wasn’t sure how much she enjoyed her devilish thoughts and the person they made her. So she did nothing of the sort and sat down, keeping him silent company. After twenty minutes she got up to change Noah and came back, it was then that Jake send her a message to tell her they left the park and would be home soon, the girls were tired and if she so wished to fill the bathtub /bathtub emoji, kiss emoji/. She read the text and set her phone aside. She really loved him in that moment.

“How old is he?” For a quarter of a second she thought Roger asked how old Jake was because that was the kind of man she believed him to be. Then she followed his line of sight and they lay on Noah who had calmed down again and who was only seconds away from nodding off again. She didn’t understand why Roger suddenly pretended to care and she considered maybe asking him to come back sometimes else- or never. This time she almost needed to shush herself, so she wouldn’t say the words out loud.

“He is four month next week. He was born July 10th.” 

“His hair is almost black! Jake was all blond when he was born, almost until he was around six or seven.” Somehow she didn’t want to regard him with an answer. And what answer would that be? Noah had her hair just like Ruby, that’s all. Her thoughts were vile and almost hostile. She gave herself that. She remembered why he was here then and thought of something to say.

“Well, yeah. June is all Jake. The hair, the face, goofballish as hack.” She could talk about her babies all day and when he wanted that, she could at least go down that road

“I haven’t met her yet. I am really sorry. There was always something. Is she upstairs with Ruby?” 

“They are both in the park with Jake.” 

“Ohh. Okay. That’s nice of him.” Roger said that like Jake did the world a favour by being a father who spend time with his kids.

She wanted to scream that Jake wasn’t nice for taking his kids to the park. He simply was a good Dad, unlike him! A father who took them to the park and to kindergarten and who cooked them dinner (because they both made an effort to learn how to cook when Ruby was on the way) and changed their nappies and cleaned up after them. 

Amy realized that this, ultimately, was a stretch of the imagination for Roger.

“They should be back soon.” She decided to answer.

“That’s good. Thank you for letting me wait here.” Amy nodded and they both didn’t really know what to talk about, so they continued to sit in silence.

She was simultaneously glad and upset when she heard Jake walking towards the entrance a few minutes later. She wanted him to help her deal with the situation but she also wished he never had to go through what was to follow. She stood up and put Noah down in the swing.

“Wait here.” She almost whispered when she heard the door being unlooked. Roger nodded back at her.

She paused in the doorway to the hall and gave Jake the most sincere smile she could muster while she waved at Ruby who answered her by explaining happily how she made a new friend who was named Clara, she was very nice to her and she also liked cats a lot and she promised to bring them to the playground next time. Of course Jake noticed the forced smile and he looked at her concerned.

“Bring the girls to bed first, please.” She whispered when she saw June asleep in her pushchair and Ruby all exhausted in his arms. She watched silently how he put her down onto the stairs and pulled her hat from her head. It was, in hindsight, his first mistake. She grabbed for it again and almost had it back on her head but lost it when Jake helped her out of her jumper. Amy by then picked up June and watched Ruby with a stern look on her face which made her cooperate a bit more. Lastly the five year old sat in her t-shirt on the stairs, her hat in her embrace and a stubborn but almost cute look on her face. Amy passed June over to Jake, after she had lifted her out of the pushchair, and he reached for Ruby’s hand who did not take it. 

“Then lead the way.” He demanded and pulled his eyebrows up.

“But I can keep the hat?” 

“You can keep it, but I don’t want you to wear it in bed.” 

A whispered discussion followed them upstairs. It first got quieter for a bit when they entered June’s bedroom to undress her and change her and put her to bed and then louder again when they exited and then stopped altogether when Ruby’s bedroom door fell shut behind them. 

Amy was glad that he didn’t notice Roger. She went back to the living room and first she sat down again, but as soon as she heard Ruby’s door upstairs close behind Jake about ten minutes later, she stood back up. And it was when Jake passed the living room door to put down June’s jacket, shoes and hat as well as the shark hat, that he saw Roger sitting in there and he took the step backwards and turned into the room, everything still in his arms.

“Why are you here?” 

Roger stood up as well and he nervously rubbed his hands along his sides while Jake pulled up his eyebrows in anticipation for an answer. To Amy it felt like a repetition of earlier, when she had opened the frontdoor to find him standing there. 

“I am here to talk to you. I have to tell you some stuff, it’s important. Would you sit down with me, please. Amy was so kind to prepare coff-” He finally started to speak but was soon interrupted:

“I would appreciate it if we could do that someday else, maybe call first if you are able to save my number for more than a day.” 

“Jake, I don’t have time to reschedule this, I am sorry to show up unannounced…”

“Seems like your thing, not to have time for important stuff. Well, today, I don’t have time.” Jake almost turned on his heels to walk to the front-door and open it for his father so he could send him on his way, but this time Amy held him back. She had stood so close to the doorway and subsequently to him that she could lay her hand on his arm. He looked up at her with a blank expression on his face but a storm in his eyes. She tried to plead with him by shaking her head just so and putting a lot of love in her eyes and a lot of warmth into her stance. 

“I don’t want this today. Today is a good day!” 

“I know.” She started to take all the clothes from his hands and put them on top of the chest of drawers standing beside them on the wall. And she didn’t really understand why she said what she would say next, because after all she was on Jake’s side and even more so, she was proud of him for speaking up. A part of her wanted him to kick his father out, than be livid together with him for half an hour and then celebrate how nicely he kicked ass. This was how she imagined this going. But something told her that it was the wrong thing to do based on the information she had and he didn’t.

“Just give him five minutes, let him say what he has to say.” They looked each other in the eyes until he nodded sharply and turned towards the couch, she followed him and sat down close beside him and grabbed his right hand with both of hers. 

“I try to cut this as short as I can.” Roger started. “I don’t want to beat around the bush. I am very sick and my doctor told me to get my things in order, basically. That’s why I am here...” While Jake stared at Roger, Roger didn’t look up from his hands, not at first. Amy wished she had put Noah upstairs instead of in his swing, she didn’t want him in this environment right now. Jake started to tighten his grip on her hand. 

“Now there is something, I haven’t told you.” He glanced up shortly, and then back down again. Maybe to make sure Jake was still there, or to check whether he was really listening, or whether he was going to give any kind of reaction which Jake didn’t give, not visibly. Next, Roger fumbled around with his jacket pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper which turned out to be a photo that he laid down on the table and pushed halfway over to them to look at.

“This is Benny. He’s my son. He is almost eight and he lives with his mother in Queens. He doesn’t speak, not since he was four or five so he is at a special school that I pay for. I haven’t petitioned to establish paternity yet and I will not do it. I don’t trust his mother to handle the money if I legitimize him and put Benny down as heir beside you. So I need you to be the universal heir and to issue the payment to the school each year. The rest is yours.” 

Both Jake and Amy stared at Roger almost unhinged. Amy noticed that Jake’s breath quickened up and the grip on her hand was still tight, even though he was shaking by now. At some point, she looked away and over to Jake, but he was still in shock from what he had just learned, he looked ahead continuously. 

She had expected a lot, but not that. There were a million and one thoughts running through her head, so many question regarding the child, mainly because Roger’s story did not only trigger the mother in her but also the police woman. But that couldn’t be the priority right now. Somehow the situation needed to be resolved and she got why Jake didn’t react after all, what should he say? What could he say? The implications of that wish were hugh and how could you handle those when the wish comes from your dying father whom you had no contact with for years. Strictly speaking, Jake could agree and then never go through with it. Strictly speaking, Jake just found out he had a brother only a little older than his own children. Strictly speaking, there was a whole lot to think about. 

“Sorry, what? Why… I mean What. Why didn’t you tell me?” Jake’s voice was high pitched and shaky and just a bit too loud for Noah not to wake up from it. Amy and him both noticed immediately, Roger however, answered: “I only know for a couple of weeks and I needed to deal with it myself first…” which resulted in some shuffling and commotion and confusion on both sides of the table. 

As Jake was closer to the swing, he leaned over to evaluate if it was a short interlude of awareness or if he woke him up completely and when within seconds the little boy started to whimper he had at least one answer. Amy tried to answer Roger’s confused look when Jake stood up to turn towards the swing by explaining that two teeth were cutting through while Jake rephrased his question and lifted Noah out of the swing.

“No. About you having a child! Seriously, didn’t you think it could be of any interest to me?” 

“Well, no… I… no. Sorry, I didn’t think - ”

“Of course you didn’t! You never do! Fuck Dad!”

“JAKE!” Amy called him out.

Now the baby was crying full on. Again. “Give him to me, and get me the teether from the fridge would you.” There were words of protest on his tongue but they both knew Amy asked that of him in order for him to be able to remove himself from the situation, if only for a moment. Otherwise this would end in him spiraling through anger into more spite. 

After he took a deep breath, Jake left the room. Amy could hear him enter the kitchen and opening up and close the fridge, so she expected him to be back within seconds of that. 

“Just a second, you little drool-monster.” Amy rocked Noah on her hip and smiled at him and tried to distract him while she waited but then she saw Jake walk past the doorway, and for a second there she thought he might, again, want to kick Roger out and she panicked a bit believing she made the wrong call, but then he turned towards the stairs and stayed put at the foot, looking up and smiling a honest to god smile, with all the kindness and love and patience that he, in most cases, only possessed in matters concerning the people he loved.

“What are you doing up there, sweetie?” 

“I was afraid to come downstairs. Why are you fighting? Is there someone else down with you?” He went two stairs up and held his hand in Ruby’s direction, this time she took it instantly. 

“It’s all right, don’t worry. We weren’t really fighting.”

When he reemerged into the living-room with Ruby on one hand and the teether in the other, which he lifted to hold into Amy’s general direction while he was again focused on Roger, she knew she did the right thing. She walked closer to him, Noah was still crying with less of a volume however, but so much more pitiful. She reached for it which brought Noah close enough into Jake’s space that he could shortly look away from his father and softly caress the babies temple where it wouldn’t increase the discomfort. With some effort, Amy pulled his little hand out of his mouth and used his bib to remove some of the saliva before encouraging him to chomp away on the teether. 

Upon entering, Ruby saw Roger which made her press her face in Jake’s side and clutched her arms around his hips. 

“Look, Dad. I guess we need to think about everything. Why don’t you leave your number and I will call you.”

“Jake, I’d rather…”

“Dad, seriously. You dropped a proverbial bomb on us, let us think it through. It’s the least you can do.”

“But there isn’t much to thi…” 

“Roger, Jake is right! “ Amy interjected when she noticed Jake’s eyes start to glister with what reminded her of madness.

Roger looked between Amy and Jake, back and forth and back and forth until he let his head drop, he touched his mouth for a second and took a deep breath.

“Well, okay. If that is what it takes.” He shook his head slightly and then walked around the living-room table and past the couch to where Jake was still standing in the doorway. He reached out his hand to shake his sons, but it took a moment for Jake to lift his right hand from Ruby’s head.

“I will call you.” Jake repeated while he finally shook hands before giving way to Roger, rather ungraceful with his five year old very attached to his leg. 

“Ruby, would you-”

“Don’t worry, I can let myself out.”

“Your number...”

Roger pulled out a business card and deposited it in the bowl of keys beside the door. Then he opened it and was met by the stroller, still standing right in the entranceway. He tried to push it out of his way.

“The breaks, it’s easier if you... Ja. Bye.” The door closed behind the man. Jake let his hand fall back on Ruby’s head where he ruffled her hair. It was only then that Ruby lifted her head to look up at him.

“Who was that? Why did you call him Dad? Is he your Dad like you are my?” 

“Different question: Why are you not in bed, mmh?”

“I asked first.” Without shame, she grinned from ear to ear up at him and for a second, Jake wondered how he got himself into this and then he looked harder and remembered that he was fine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a sweet, short-ish chapter. It's basically what is left from the last chapter which I didn't want to make too long. The next chapter is longer again. I also haven't yet worked out a posting schedule. Usually, I would have waited another few days, but then there was no new episode this week and I forgot and it made me sad. So I thought why not sneak this one in. Have fun!

Half an hour later:

Amy heard the rumbling and commotion outside before the doorbell went off and she sprinted to rip the door open and stop Charles from using it. In all honesty, she had forgotten that he was coming early to set up the kitchen. For the last half an hour she was thinking about whether to call her birthday off completely after what their afternoon visit had brought to light. But now, she was staring at her friend, who was first shocked before a big smile spread over his whole face. He pulled in a big breath and Amy lifted both of her arms and waved them to stop Charles from singing.

“No. no, no, no! They are all asleep!” She whispered kind of loudly and drew in the door behind her till it was almost shut. Charles went back to looking shocked. 

“But that’s good right? Jake wrote and told me everything was going according to plan.”

“Nothing is going according to any plan.” Amy admitted. And now that she said it out loud the words suddenly had much more weight. She pressed her lips into a hard line and shook her head.

“You would never guess what just happened, Charles.” She said after a moment in which he just stared at her with big eyes.

“Come in. Can you leave all of that here for now?” She vaguely pointed at the boxes and bags that now also stood in front of the door. Walking the stuff past the the living room door would wake everyone in there. 

“Sure.” Amy signaled him to keep quiet and then walked back in and Charles climbed past the stroller that Roger must have moved into an even more awkward position when he left but was harder to move now as a box of vegetables was in the way. 

Amy was tip toeing to the kitchen door. Of course Charles needed to push his head in the living room to check on the situation. Noah was back in his swing, finally in a somewhat more comfortable sleep after Amy had given into some Advil. It was on the second look, after Charles had almost left the room, when he spotted Jake on the couch. He was facing inwards and because Charles had lost all dignity and was now leaning over the backrest, he spotted Ruby’s head facing her Dad from under the blanket that covered them both.

Amy crabbed his arm when he was about to pull out his phone to take a picture. She closed the kitchen door behind them and turned on some white noise on her phone, believing it would swallow their voices. 

She was halfway through telling Charles the whole story, when the baby monitor signaled that June was waking up and Amy decided to meet her on the gate upstairs so she wouldn’t scream her demand to be fetched. 

“Give me a second.” she excused herself and walked out and up the stairs. 

“It’s terrible, Amy. How did he take it?” Charles asked as soon as she returned with June in her arms and ‘hallos’ and some laughter was exchanged.

“I mean. We hadn’t the chance to talk about it yet?” Amy shrugged. “But not good obviously. He covered it well and we dealt with the kids and it’s not been long, Roger left maybe a bit less than an hour ago… I think the dying part hasn’t even really registered with him yet… but the thing about the kid! You should have seen his face when Roger told us.”

“I am sure it was heartbreaking! And he is mute? I mean…” Amy shrugged her shoulders again.

“I am not sure. Strictly speaking, he said Benny wasn’t talking. It sounded kind of sketchy, also that he didn’t trust the mother. It sounded like the situation was more complicated than transferring money once a year, but I guess that hasn’t caught up with Roger, and how would it, really?…”

“I bet!” Charles supported her and shook his head in disappointment. “How old is the boy?” 

“Ohh, his name is Benny and he is seven, turning eight soon- well that is all the information Roger gave us.” 

“Almost as old as Ava.” They nodded both before sinking into their thoughts for a bit. Amy was still thinking about calling the dinner off and Charles dedicated his attention to June and her toy car that she pushed around the table. 

“I mean I know that you bought all the food… but maybe I should reschedule…”

“No Amy! I am sure that’s the last thing Jake wants. He doesn’t want for Roger to ruin your night. And I am sure he is glad for the distraction.” They looked at each other for a bit and then nodded both.

“Okay. You are right. Let’s try to bring everything in through the backdoor?” 

Miraculously, they made it with the adorable help of June, who carried two carrots at a time in three rounds respectively, to bring everything to the kitchen. 

It was another half an hour later when the kitchen door opened and Jake walked through. His hair a mess, his T-Shirt all crinkled and a red line from the pillow across the right side of his face.

“I fell asleep. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” He apologised in a sleepy and deep voice. “Hey Charles.” He said when he set down at the kitchen island. Amy, who was sitting around the corner, lifted her hand to caress his cheek and smile at him. Charles was so occupied, he mumbled something along the lines of: ‘not now, this is an important step in….’ Charles lost his attention immediately.

“Is Ruby also up?” Jake nodded. He let his view wander across the room and he spotted June in the corner, where they had a little table with colouring books and blocks and cars and dolls. 

“Go and take a bath?” Jake let his head fall to the side when he looked back at her. “It’s still time.”

“Maybe I can just take a shower? It’s faster and I can-” 

“Take a bath. And as much time as you need. I keep the kids downstairs. It’s your birthday, have some quality time with yourself.” Jake said and Amy grinned, reaching far sooner the bottom of the word's subtext of what Jake just said but not meant.

“Also that, if you wish.” Jake smiled sheepishly when he caught up with where Amy’s thoughts had went. Amy slipped from her stool, kissed Jake and left the kitchen smiling. 

-

When Jake walked past the bathroom an hour later to get his charger from the bedroom, he noticed it was empty and cold, as in no bath had been taken in here within the last hour. Upon entering the bedroom, he found Amy sitting on the bed, phone on her ear and nodding along to what the person on the other end was saying. When she heard him enter, she shortly looked up at him and smiled, her lips pressed together and she rolled her eyes but also didn’t really mean it. It was just as forced as before. 

“Mum, I have to hang up now. Jake just came in, he needs my help with something.” He knew that she knew he didn’t need her help with anything, but she needed an out of the conversation so he simply set down beside her and waited with her for the end of the phonecall.

“Yes, I will. Yes… No. Okay.” It took another few minutes before she eventually ended the call.

“They cannot make it?” Jake asked, and all the answer he got was Amy leaning into him and resting her head, which she lightly shook, on his shoulder.

“We will drive up next weekend.” Amy again only nodded and Jake pulled her closer in and rested his arm around her shoulder. They let moment after moment pass by them in silence. Jake knew that Amy was thinking about her mother and about her health and probably she was debating whether she was selfish for still wanting her to come tonight. 

“I just really wanted her to come…” Amy started but stopped herself just as soon because she was close to tears. 

“I know.” 

“It’s all just not going well today.” 

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about your Dad?”

“Not yet.” It sounded more as if he wanted to convince himself rather than her. And thus Amy let the words sit between them, knowing that if she just waited long enough, there would be at least something he would want to get out of his system.

“I mean… Amy… obviously I will do what he asks… but… I mean... I can’t just- can I?” Amy assumed he meant that he couldn’t just ignore the fact that there was a child involved. It was strangely hard for her to refer to the child as his brother, even in her head. The same seemed the case for Jake. 

“I couldn’t.” Amy supported him.

“I have a strange feeling about it.”

“Me too. Ask for the mother’s name tomorrow. I can give Steph from child services a call… maybe she knows someone who can look into it. And we can check the system for the mother.” Jake had come to the same conclusion.

Suddenly the door was pushed open.

“Daddy! Where are you? What are you doing so long?” Both Jake and Amy looked at Ruby and tilted their heads a bit in question. 

“What was it I said about going upstairs?” Jake asked.

“Not to before Mummy comes down.” Ruby twisted herself around the words and hid her face behind her arm. “Sorry.”

“Please go back down and wait for me there.” Jake asked with emphasis and Ruby ran off.

“She is pushing it today.” He added when they heard her running down the stairs, another rule broken.

“It all started off so well…” Amy reminisced. Jake nodded. 

Amy continued: “I wish we had the evening to ourselves.” 

“It’s going to be fine. We both know that. Also Gen and Nik are already here as well. ” 

“In other words, the living-room is about to be trashed.” Amy concluded.

“Probably. Maybe I should go back downstairs.” Amy nodded and they kissed and Jake forgot the charger.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't keep up the two chapters a week thing. I know that. Let's not pretent otherwise. I asume that I will stick with fridays from now on. So ya.

Jake took Wednesday off. He had demanded that the condition under which he would agree to his father’s ‘dying wish’ was to meet Benny. It was really an easy decision to make, because hearing that there was a little boy out there he shared a father with, had pulled at his heartstrings in the most painful way. It had deconstructed his reality and now he needed to build it back up with him as a part of it. He would make sure that fate didn’t repeat itself.

There were implications as well as risks to it. When sunday after Amy’s birthday they were sitting outside on the steps facing their backyard and the sun was shining strangely warm for November, they looked at each other and considered everything it would change definately, and the possibilities of what it might bring in the worst case. They jumped back and forth between the what ifs. And they went deep into the darkest corners of those what ifs because frankly, they had seen a lot of shit in their years. Amy needed to remind him that he was not Bennys father and Jake needed to remind himself that they had made compromises to buy this house and that one of them was that another child wasn’t in the cards even though it might or might not have had space in Amy’s life calendar. (Not the one she had altered after Ruby, but the one after June, because there were other ways to go down in history besides being the youngest Captain… she would simply become the best Captain.) Of course, in their down path they jumped to a lot of conclusions on the basis of little to no information. 

Roger suggested to come around to their house, Jake didn’t necessarily like the idea. It should have been on the kids terms but Roger explained that he wasn’t on the best of terms with the mother and there was nothing close by their apartment to meet up. Also it was a weekday and the boy had school, but Roger had to leave on Friday so there wasn’t much wiggling room. It ultimately led to Jake planning to get Ava over so there was a child the same age and they could play together and he imagined it would be easier on Benni, even though it took him a lot of convincing Terry to let her come over on a school day at one. He promised to take all the girls for a whole day on a weekend and Terry couldn’t argue with that.

By ten in the morning Amy and Jake were spiralling, a lot. As if it was a new information they realized that they couldn’t simply interact with Benni by asking him questions and hoping he would loosen up and tell them everything about him. They googled and called around and didn’t come to a real solution. 

“Maybe your Dad can moderate?” Amy asked at one point, while she walked circles though the living room, cleaning all the surfaces a third time. 

“As if!” Jake was lying on the floor with Noah, trying to encourage him to roll over by doing it himself again and again. It ended with Noah smiling a lot and that was just as all right. “It’s my Dad we are talking about.”

“But what if he changed?”

“Seriously? If he had, he would have told me at some point along the line... I still don’t get why he didn’t!” And there he was again. Running the same question down the same lane over and over again since Saturday.

“Oh Jake… I wish I knew...” Amy let herself sink down on a recliner and rested her chin in her hands while she was watching her husband and son. Jake by now had rolled halfway across the room to a spot at the window where the sun was shining in and Noah was wiggling around on his tummy and trying his hardest to push his body closer to his Dad. It was when he spotted his Mummy that he redirected his attention. 

“Now even my own child is betraying me!” Jake commentate when he saw that Noah now tried to wiggle into Amy’s direction.

“Babe! You are so far away, he doesn’t even see you anymore…” She lifted Noah of the floor and got back up to put away the cleaning supplies. “How about we go for a walk?” She called from the downstairs bathroom, before she walked back.

“Whatever…” Jake answered, starfishing in the sun.

“Snap out of it, Jake…” Amy walked over to him and put a foot either side of his hips, looking down at him, assessing whether he was actually losing his shit right now and doing it in such a fashion that she could still turn it around into joking with him.

“I just don’t understand why he didn’t say something. He must have known for a while. It’s not that he just learned about it…” 

“Because he is inconsiderate and inconsequential with every promise he makes, and he has zero integrity.” When she understood that it was all a bit more serious, she lowered herself down to sit beside him, Noah still in her arms happily playing with a teether. Gladly, the teeth had cut through by now and they had two regular nights in a row.

“I just wish I could understand but there is no way that will happen, because he simply doesn’t care.”

“No, he doesn’t.” 

“I don’t understand how you can care so little.”

“You and me both, Babe.”

It was in that moment that her phone rang. Amy put Noah down beside Jake and Jake pulled him up onto his chest while Amy went for her phone. She answered the phone in anticipation after she saw who the caller was.

“Is she alright? - Okay. Yes, sure. Yes, we will get her. - We are on our way.” Amy stood in the doorway and upon hearing what she said, Jake had set up and listened attentively to her words.

“What is wrong?” He asked as soon as Amy hung up.

“Ruby fell and hit her head. She is fine, her hands and knees are scratched up. Her teacher said that it was mostly a fright but she doesn’t calm down and they think we should pick her up.” 

“Sure.” 

Upon arriving at Ruby’s kindergarten and finding her in the nurse's office, she was already smiling with Ms Anne and telling her of the stray cat they encountered the other day. It was only when she saw her Mummy that she started to cry all over again. Jake talked to the nurse and checked Ruby out of classes and there was no way he could deny her to be carried to the car while she sniffled into his neck. 

They decided to collect June as well, simply because it was easier and it was noon, so it was a transition time anyway and they wouldn’t interrupt her schedule too much. Again, it wasn’t the plan. But whom were they kidding, anyways? When was the last time a plan worked out? Still they were a bit afraid that with the girls and Ava, Benni would be overwhelmed. They talked about it while they buggled the kids in. 

“June will have her nap and Noah as well, it will be fine I am sure.” Amy argued, but wasn’t really convinced herself. She worried a lot. Maybe not as much as Jake, at least about the situation as such and being introduced to Benni. But she worried about Jake and the fact that he had yet to admit that Roger having cancer did something to him, and that he won’t survive the next six months and how that would or could or, well, had to change their ‘father-son relationship’.

There had been hours, deep at night when neither of them found sleep, all the lights turned off and their bodies as close as they could manage when Jake confessed to her that sometimes he imagined that things could still turn around, that maybe his father would come to his senses and realize how much time he had missed. In those same images, Jake didn’t feel sickened by hugging his father or afraid of taking a call from him because what else was there that he could give that still hadn’t yet let to his father finally showing some love for him. Everything was good in those ideas. They were nothing more than that, Amy was sure because the damage went far beyond any action on Roger’s side, Jake simply wasn’t even close to the capability of trusting such a hypothetical event. To be fair, it would end in disaster. 

Those images, however, evolved when Ruby was born and he needed his father to be proud of her, for them, of him for being part of something so so so important, more so than he ever needed him to be proud of himself. Because suddenly, it wasn’t any longer just about him and there was no way to comprehend how Ruby wasn’t lovable, how she wasn’t treated by his father as if she was the most important thing on this world. Of course every layer of himself was covered by the understanding of how he wasn’t worth enough or good enough to be loved fully and wholeheartedly… but Ruby? 

When Roger didn’t even show up after June was born, and found excuses for every invitation they issued afterwards; with every such decline, Jake developed a raging dislike of all the hope he carried somewhere in the lower levels of his heart. And thus, again, he misdirected an emotion that was clearly to be directed at Roger and turned it back on himself… So Amy took it upon herself to hate Roger where Jake wasn’t able to.

“”Ames? Where are your thoughts right now?” At some point, Jake must have turned from talking to Ruby to talking with her. She shook her head to banish the thoughts that she was reheating the upteenth time this week and looked over at him.

“Excuse me, what did you say?”

“Nothing in particular, but your hands…” that’s when she noticed that her hands were clenched into fists. Instantly she released them and wavered them slightly to relax them again. 

“That thing that Terry talked about on saturday… it just… can’t get it out of my head..:” Jake nodded and concentrated back on the road. They both seemed to taste the lie in those words. Not particularly because it was implausible, but rather because there were things Amy couldn’t lie about, not to Jake… not anymore. Also, the way she used her words there… slobby af. Still, he let it rest. They were both on edge these last few days. Most of the times they balanced themselves out and as such, there was always one of them closer to reason and that person usually made the right call, and Jake made the right call here.

When they parked the car, Sharon was already waiting with Ava. Ava was happy and Sharon looked, well, slightly pissed but just slightly, really. Amy stepped out of the car and rushed over to them and left Jake to getting everyone out of the car.

It was within this chaos that a third car parked in front of the house and Jake had just lifted June into his arms when his father emerged almost half an hour early, he turned around to give June into Ruby’s care, but Ruby had already attached herself back onto Amy’s side and for a second he forgot to breath, not knowing what to do, but then something else took over and he walked to his father who held open the backdoor of the car to wait for the boy to get out.

He looked between his father and his half hearted attempt to lure Benny outside. From his perspective however there was a front yard filled with people he didn’t know and he was well within his right to simply sit there and hope the situation would dissolve on its own. He looked up at Roger as if he wanted to say please close the door and get me away from here…

It was exactly what Jake and Amy wanted to avoid. Jake stepped into Benny’s direct line of sight and squated, June on his knee watching ever so curious, short from sliding onto the floor and explore what this was all about herself. 

“Hey Benny! I am Jake. This is June.” He waved and soon found June imitating him. Benny smiled a bit and also waved. 

“Do you want to come with us and have some lunch?” When Benny looked up at his father, Jake did the same, not exactly knowing how to include him in this.

“I will join you.” He eventually said. “Now get out of the car, boy.” He forced a smile on his face. Ultimately Jake understood that he must have been just as insecure about all this than they all were, but it didn’t really help with controlling the anger he felt upon hearing him speak the way he did. Jake feared that the damage might have been long done.

Next, the cutest thing happened. June reached out her stuffed rabbit and offered it to Benny. From behind him he heard a long drawn ‘awwe’ from Amy, who was lifting Noah out of the mini van. Benny smiled a bit more then and reached to the other seat to retrieve a penguin and everything wasn’t quite as bad or as scary afterwards. He unbuckled the seatbelt and slid out just to exchange the toys and out of the corner of his view, he saw Shannon leave with a suppressed smile on her face and Amy shuued the girls into the house to take the pressure of off having to walk towards people. 

“You can take her hand if you want and bring her to the house?” Jake took a leap of faith here by offering a strange child to take his daughter's hand but when he happily reached for her hand, it took only little convincing on Jake’s side for June to reach out as well. He walked alongside the two kids and didn’t look back once.

In the kitchen they set up a sandwich assembly line. By reducing the choices to PB&J, cheese and turkey very little fuzz was involved in sitting every child down with something to eat and drink. Also it involved success on partially non verbal communication and it was very clear, very fast that Ava was just as charming as June and it didn’t take too long for Benny to enjoy himself. 

“Can we play outside? Benny needs to see the cave!” Ava asked excited as soon as she had finished her plate. “Do you want to see the cave?” Ava asked Benny next, who looked over to his Dad and made a fluid movement with his hands.

Amy and Jake looked over at Roger, who made some strange combination of shrugging and nodding. Then, Benny nodded at Ava and smiled very happily and both of them looked at Amy and Jake to get permission.

“Sure, but come in as soon as it starts raining if we don’t call you in beforehand.” Amy answered and looked to Ruby who was sitting beside her. 

“Do you want to join them as well?” Ruby shook her head. Ava smiled at her.

“Maybe you can come in a moment and join us then!” Ava was always a very good friend and she also was very aware of how shy Ruby was with strangers and gladly gave her the time she needed. Ruby nodded before she took another bite of her PB&J Sandwich.

It didn’t take long from then until lunch dissolved into restlessness. Noah started to fuzz because he wanted to be feed, June got cranky because her nap was in order and Ava got nervous in anticipation and had Benny joining her quite soon.

Jake released them first outside after he issued out their jackets. Amy took Noah upstairs and had Ruby help her lead June upstairs.

It left Jake with Roger as well as an uncomfortable silence.

“What’s The Cave?” Roger asked after a moment, he seemed to try to catch a look outside.

“It’s emm, it’s a couple of bushes that basically have grown into a cave. The former owners of the house must have made it grow that way. It’s brilliant.” Roger nodded along to the explanation.

“Have you learned sign language?” Jake asked to continue the conversation.

“Not very well. But I understand what he tries to say… most of the time.”

“Why doesn’t he speak?” He tried not to sound suggestive in any way, he needed a natural reaction from his father… or well… as much of the truth as there was. Maybe there was an easy explanation.

“He witnessed a very horrible car crash. The doctor said it frightened his voice out of him.” Jake stared at Roger for a while. 

“That’s horrible. Is he seeing a therapist?” 

“He did for a while, but it didn’t help. They suggested to send him to the school… Thank you again for agreeing to take over the responsibility of paying for the school. Also my lawyer suggested that I let you have the next year’s amount before… well - before. It might take awhile for the whole inheritance stuff to go through and for you to have access to the money and I don’t want you to have to pay in advance. I understand it’s not that easy to make ends meet with three kids and a mortgage on police salary.” 

Half of what Roger said washed over him. It was a strange current of feeling understood when there had never before been any kind of interest for the topic and relief that Roger had for once thought things through apparently, but also a lot of questions concerning Benni because the answer wasn’t satisfying at all. Before he could give any kind of response, Ruby came back and sat down on her chair, which she shuffled as close to Jake’s as possible and drank from her glass of tea. 

“You need to leave us with the number of Benny’s mother.” He said because a lot of important stuff was going through his head that he wished was easier to communicate but wasn’t and maybe that was the most urgent thing right now. And sure, it would be helpful to know how fast Roger was actually going to die and maybe to learn if he had plans for the time until - then… well, dying wasn’t like going on holiday but was there a hospiz or wasn’t it so serious yet? Of course all of those questions died on his tongue and he wanted to slap himself for being a coward.

“Emm… I guess. Yeah sure.”

“Have you talked to her and explained the situation?”

“Yes. I mean I told her that I have another son who is interested in getting to know Benny and she was hot and cold about it but I am sure she won’t deny you to see him, she is fair about me seeing him, so…” He let the words linger in the silence. It was just another unsatisfying answer, but one that was hard to push. 

Ruby took the silence as a signal to stand up and whisper something in Jake’s ear:

“Can you come outside with me?” She asked and sat down on Jake’s lap, who took her into an embrace and kissed her hair while also whispering that he would in a minute, and it made Roger almost visibly uncomfortable, so much so that he looked away. 

“How much time do you have today?” Jake asked to draw Roger’s attention back to the conversation.

“Emm, I promised to bring him back by five, latest.” 

“Okay.” It was half past one now. “How about I make coffee and we join the kids outside?” Roger nodded. He didn’t seem too convinced of the concept. He obviously didn’t imply that they would join the children in the cave or actively participate in their play, that was what the coffee was for. He imagined them standing there and watching for a while until Ruby had warmed up so much that she would join in. It may have not translated as such to Roger. 

He raised Ruby from his lap, she followed him instantly over to the kitchen counter and he lifted her up to sit and watch him and also block her view from his father. From there she soon felt so safe that she started to whisper question about Benny and why he didn’t talk and how she could help. There weren’t many answers Jake was able to give because he asked himself the same ones. Over the noise of the coffee machine, Jake explained that he wasn’t sure either, but that they would find out and that she could help best by being friendly and being patient and to treat him like any other kid. She promised that she would do that.

He prepared two cups and Ruby slide down from the counter and Jake went to get their Jackets as well and then he opened the backdoor with the two cups in hand and looked over to his father, as if he was a dog that needed to be motivated to go out into the rain.

“Look, if you want you can wait. Just give me a few minutes.”

“No, no. It’s okay.” He got up and walked around the long table and took a cup from Jake’s hand and stepped out of the house behind his son and granddaughter. 

Benny and Ava were already deeply engaged in some kind of pretend game which involved Ava making a lot of movement with her hands and Benny smiling and shaking his head and making different motions for her to repeat. When Ava saw Ruby she ran over and offered her her hand and told her that she needed to show her something very urgently and Jake smiled at her and it took just another moment before she let go of Jake’s hand. He had to promise her to wait and watch in case she wanted to come back and not play after all. 

“Is she always like that?”

“What do you mean?” Jake obviously knew what he meant.

“I mean... so clingy? Is she alright?” Jake turned his whole upper body towards Roger, only to look at him with raised eyebrows. It was almost comical. It was meant to say: The hell are you suggesting?

“No. No she is not. Only with strangers around. And yes, obviously. There is nothing wrong with her… She is a shy child. There are lots of those around.“ He answered instead. 

“I… sorry Jake. I didn’t… you know… I didn’t mean it..”

“Well yes. You made it sound awfully negative.”

“Jake. You should be the first to realize that I am not good with kids.” 

Jake didn’t really know what drove him to the answer he gave:

“Still, here we are. Two too many of them to not give at least some shit...” 

“Jake.” It sounded like a mixture of a warning and an apology at the same time. 

“UNCLE JAKE! COME AND LOOK AT THIS!” and “DADDY! HURRY!” saved him from the impact of what Roger might or might not have wanted to say next.

“Hold this.” He pressed his almost full cup of coffee into Roger’s left hand and in a determined walk he went and examine the giant spider that had build it’s web into the roof of the cave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, there is some possibility of smut in the next chapter. I am not sure whether to cut it or not.   
> I generally feel as if I am bullshitting my way though ideas here. This is not in any way, shape or form good storytelling. So to now dip into the smutty stuff feels like completely offrailing what I am doing. 
> 
> This is not about you having to tell me that I am wrong. This is simply wanting to know if you would enjoy it or not.  
> Or like, if you feel it doesn't fit into what the story as a whole feels like.
> 
> Cool. see you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... somehow I forgot posting yesterday. Sorry, Gang.  
> I did the smut. I mean, I wrote it. I also terribly regret not wirting in present tense- would have made this chapter much more fun. It starts off a bit heavy on the Jake-and-Roger-front however. So enjoy maybe consider letting me know what you think. 
> 
> Also, kittens next time. yay!!

When the car drove off with his father and Benny in it, Jake realized how very on edge he was and probably had been for the last three hours. The nerves in the tips of his fingers buzzed and he was breathing heavier than necessary. He was hyper with negative energy and his thoughts were running through his mind while barely making any sense. At one point they probably did, but by now they had repeated so many times and had run themselves down the same roads against the same walls of discontentment and anger and lack of understanding. It’s like the word you repeat so often it loses its meaning. 

Now he was standing there, on the sidewalk. Looking down the street where the car had long taken a turn and he was only in a t-shirt and a flannel. It was starting to rain, not heavily, but cold and he should probably go inside, but something glued him to the spot. Obviously nothing physical.More a hope that if he just waited long enough he could return to his life as it was a week ago. And even that wasn’t right. It wasn’t hope. 

Don’t get him wrong. His heart had immediately expanded in depth and width to include Benny. That, however, didn’t make circumstances easier. It didn’t erase the fact that his father… their father never believed that having had another kid was important enough to share this information it with Jake. Or that in order to communicate with Benny they ought to learn his language. Or that they probably needed to contact a lawyer, but Amy most likely was already on that. Or well… that his father was dying and he wasn’t ready. 

That was a whole fricking thing anyways… if, say, his father had never contacted him again in his life and then someday he would have died, well, that was one thing. Now there was a countdown and he felt the ever present gloom of doubt. Because maybe he just hadn’t tried hard enough to be a good son, and maybe he hadn’t given all that he could give. It couldn't, after all, be all his father’s fault… right? Now there wasn’t much time left to find answers to all of those questions, and they were important questions. They were. There was no second chance after that. There was no time to chase his hopes of their relationship ever being mended by itself. He needed to act.

Then a hard slap of cold wind hit his face and it leveled him and reasoned with him. It reminded him that the point had long come at which he had decided that he wouldn’t waste any more strength on Roger and on making him love him. He would use that energy on his relationship with his own children and making them feel all the love he had to give. That was easy. Had been so easy all those years. All until last bloody week. It was so simple to concentrate only on his life and his babies. Now, Roger was messing with the dark spaces of his brain, with the twisted ways and memories and the insecurities and fears. It almost felt unfair. It felt like any other time he came rushing into his life and not much later running out again. Only this time, it was permanent, it would last, he wouldn’t have to worry anymore. 

“Babe. Come out of the rain, please?” He was almost startled by Amy calling him so deeply did his thoughts capture him. Only then he noticed that the rain had gotten stronger and that his cloths were soaked and when did the time pass anyway? He felt like only a second ago that he had closed the car door on Benny.

He turned around and jogged back to the house and in his attempt to shake the rain off like a dog would, his whole body betrayed him into a shiver as soon as he hit the warm air of the house, it even pushed a moan out of his lungs and through his lips, cursing the weather and himself. 

“What was that?” Amy wondered when she pressed her warm hands on his cold cheeks. Again his answer of a half-hearted shrug turned into another whole-body-shiver. 

“Let me rephrase: What possessed you, you stood there for like almost ten minutes?” He looked her in the eyes and his teeth were pressed together hard and he shivered again and his body finally recalibrated to the warm and comfortable environment, his home. It also forced his eyes shut.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“But you did so good today.”

“At one point, I wanted to scream, Ames. I wanted to scream so bad.”

“I am proud of you.” She drew him closer to her and kissed him, her hands still on his face, not for much longer however. One travelled into his wet hair and the other down his neck to rest on his arm, pressing with vigor. It didn’t take too long for Jake to relax his arms from being crossed in front of his chest to pulling Amy into them. She kissed him till the storm in his head calmed down and there was a groan rising through his throat. 

“Shhh.” Amy shushed and pulled herself a bit away from him. She put a finger on his lips and looked at him through her long eyelashes and they both listened for a second or two. She used the moment to peel the wet flannel shirt from his shoulders and then down his arms.

“They are never far…” Amy whispered and then they both smiled, before Amy drew him back in, this time however into a hug.

“You are not alone in this.” 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Now go and get some dry clothes on.” 

\--

 

The same evening, they had just put June and Noah down for bed, Roger called to explain that he had spoken with Lucy, Benny’s mum. She wanted to meet and Jake agreed. Roger explained that he would fly into Canada to wrap up some business and that he might not be here depending on how soon a meeting was going to happen. He gave him Lucy’s number and Jake saved it in his, as well as in Amy’s phone, just in case. Jake immediately called Lucy. Lucy sounded reasonably nice, maybe a little overwhelmed and suggested to meet the weekend after next. 

While Jake was on the phone downstairs, Amy was giving Ruby a bath. She was extra careful on the knees and the hands and checked the little lump on her forehead, just under the hairline, to make sure it wasn’t stretching out. 

“Does it hurt?” She asked her daughter while she softly caressed along the hairline.

“Not too much.” Ruby answered and shook her head. Amy nodded, but also got up, walked halfway down the stairs and called for Jake who had just hung up the phone. Ruby was a tough little cookie and easily downplayed a situation. That’s why Amy was so worried this morning when the school called. Ruby must have had a big fright from the fall, Amy couldn’t explain it any other way. The teacher had reported that Ruby and another friend had been running away from a group of kids that chased them and therefore Ruby had a lot of momentum when she caught her foot in a root. 

“What’s up?” Jake walked into the small bathroom.

“Would you check the lump. See if it changed?” She lent to the side, resting her body on the edge of the bathtub from her position on the floor when Jake reached over her to also feel the lump. 

“If anything, it’s going down. Does it hurt, Sweetie?” She shook her head. When Jake stared her down, she reconsidered her answer. “A bit, only when I touch it.” 

“Okay. Thank you for answering honestly” Jake kissed her forehead before sitting down on the closed toilet seat. 

“When is Benny coming to visit again?” Ruby asked after some moments have passed in silence in which she was playing with her washcloth and a toy. Jake had started to run his fingers through Amy’s hair for lack of anything better to do, while Amy just looked into the water, her thoughts a mile away.

“Maybe not for awhile.” Jake said. It was true, if he was going to visit Benny and his mother first, there was a: no way to tell how things would work out and b: it just might take some time until they could figure it out.

Ruby huffed and asked why and pushed her face into her washcloth in quite a dramatic fashion. 

“What did Lucy say?” Amy asked, shaking herself from her thoughts and turning her head as far as possible to look up at Jake.

“Not much really, she seemed surprised, said she wouldn’t have thought I’d call this soon.” Jake shrugged his shoulders before continuing. “She suggested the weekend after this. We will talk again for details.” 

Neither Jake, nor Amy had found out much looking into Lucy or Benny. There was no police records except a mentioning of the car accident where they were mentioned as witnesses, nor social service records. For all they knew, everything was just fine. They wondered how Roger’s reluctance had come about. They decided to make their own experiences.

“Daddy, why?” Ruby repeated her question.

“Because I need to talk to Benny’s mum and then if she is okay with him visiting again, we need to find a date that fits everyone. It might take a while.”

“And when do you talk to Benny’s mum? Can’t you just call her?”

“In two weeks.” 

“IN TWO WEEKS! BUT WHY” Ruby repeated and splashed the water right and left from her. Amy shushed her and warned her that her siblings were already asleep. 

“Daddy explained why, there is no reason to question it. Now, let’s wash your hair Missy! Lay down.” Ruby huffed again, dramatically and let herself slid down into the water so her dark hair was floating all around her. 

Jake used the moment to get up and leave the warm room to go downstairs. He called his mum because it was wednesday. They talked for a while because that’s what they did wednesdays whenever he was home at a reasonable time, which, these days, he tried his best to make happen. He told her everything that was new since Amy’s birthday, about meeting Benny and how much he hated Roger and that Ruby had hurt herself at school today and how much it hurt him that she wouldn’t stop crying, even though it wasn’t the first time it had happened and by far not the last time it would happen. She told him about the new teacher, fresh from uni and how sweet she was. Also that the neighbors had invited her for coffee and a rundown of almost their whole conversation.

At one point, Amy joined him with a cup of tea. She snug into his side and lazily scrolled through Netflix while half listening to them. And when Jake was about to hang up, she made Jake say good-night for her as well. After he put his phone to the side, he went upstairs to kiss Ruby goodnight but she was almost already half asleep. On his way down, he checked in on June and Noah, both whom were fast asleep, and then he decided to put up the traps. 

There were two of them. The first one was the soft plastic laundry basket directly on the first step after the gate, there was no way the gate could be opened without the basket falling down the stairs. The second one was simply to put extra security on the gate downstairs so it would take extra long for Ruby to open it, after she made it this far being the only one knowing how to open the gates in the first place. At which point Amy and Jake, in which ever compromising situation they might find themselves in, had now been already alerted to her presence. It was a fool proof method to covering up all sorts of grown up shenanigans they had found, especially since Noah was still sleeping with them. 

“At which point did we think an open doorway to the living room was a good idea?” Amy grinned. She was kneeling on the couch, watching him as he entered. Maybe it was worth the construction work after all. 

“It’s a precaution.” He said, pointing behind him.

“Just in case.” Amy answered, tilting her head to the side just a bit. Her eyes smiling at him with happiness and anticipation. Her mouth was trying to suppress a smile, which made her look cheeky until it broke into a tempting grin.

He went around the room to close the shutters on the windows and grinned right back at her, knowing they were on the same page tonight.

Blobbing down right beside her, his right hip was touching her knees. They joined hands and laced their fingers together while Amy swung her right leg over his lap. 

“Was Ruby asleep?” Amy asked. Although they were facing each other, there was still some distance between their chests. 

“Almost, seconds away. I guess she was gone by the time I closed the door.” Jake licked his lips and pressed them together after he was finished speaking. He was staring only at her lips throughout his whole answer, which Amy enjoyed thoroughly.

“Maybe we should kiss for a while then, make sure she stays where she is.” 

“Good idea. I like that idea.” Jake eagerly says while sitting up straight and leaning towards her in the process, which made Amy wiggle further away from him, giggling softly at his attempts. When next, Jake tried to free his hands planning to drew her closer, she used the leverage to press them back against the couch. In the same movement, she dove her head close besides his and started to kiss the skin under his left ear, first softly, her mouth closed and when he started to breath her name with each exhale she started to suck very lightly.

“Don’t tease me, Babe.” He tried again to free his hands, it was a weak and futile attempt and lead to Amy kissing down the direction of his neck, chuckling between each touch of her lips on his warm skin until she was stopped by the hem of his T-Shirt. 

It was when she made her way back up towards the back of his head, reaching his hairline that he took his revenge. At first, she thought he was turning his head so she had easier access to the back of his neck and for a moment he did just that and enjoyed himself. However, the angle was such that he could easily blow into her ear. Which he did. Startling her successfully, because she lifted her head and faced him with raised eyebrows and the ghost of a smile on her face, almost laughing and just when she wanted to ask what that was all about, he captured her lips. She gasped in surprise of the contact and Jake moaned in satisfaction and it was about then that Amy relaxed into the kiss. 

Openmouthed and borderline juvenile they spend minutes like that.

At one point, their hands lost contact at their sides only to roam over the others body. One of Amy’s hands was lost in Jake’s short hair, scratching lightly at the top and pulling slightly at the bottom of his head, the other hand was ghosting over his chest, finding contact around and sometimes on his nippls, squeezing them lightly through the fabric. 

Jake was driving one hand up and down her thigh. Slowly and agonizing and never too close to her center. Sometimes, however, very directly on her butt. There was no holding back there. His other hand was roaming up and down her spine under her sweater. 

“Your hair, please.” Jake whispered at one point, almost breathless and desperate, swallowing hard right after the words had left his mouth. It was Amy now that focused mainly on his lips and his mouth was undeniably hot and seeing his face loosened up in desire, it shot a wave of need through her which almost made her whimper but definitely made her very much more wet than she already was.

It took a second for his words to register with her, but then she lifted both her hands from his body and opened her bun so her hair fell all loose around her shoulders and down her back,  
Jake used the moment of distraction to pull Amy flash against him while he himself shuffled a bit closer to the edge of the couch, making them both groan deep from their chests when they met. Instantly, she grabbed for his shoulders and instinctively buggle against his crotch, finally, at least for the moment, finding relief in the sweet pressure against her clit.

Jake himself lifted up his hips for a few times. They lost themselves for a moment. Still fully dressed but almost desperate. 

“Amy, we… ohh god. Amy. Stop.” Jake mouthed against her neck, before letting his head fall back against the couch.

“You stop.” She groaned. They both didn’t. Ultimately, she started to pull at his t-shirt and drag it away over his head, right before she drew her sweater over her own head and throwing it carelessly somewhere in the direction of the TV. After that, they breathlessly looked at each other, lost somewhere between desperation, need and astonishment.

Next, Jake drew her close, secured one arm strongly around her back and the other under her bum. Then he lifted them so he could switch her onto the couch. He made fast work in dragging her out of her yoga pants, as well as her panties in one move.

“You are a fucking work of art.” He says, his voice almost but not entirely back to normal while he looks down at her, sitting between her legs. And she almost, but not entirely blushes, because they had been through that, about how she feels about her body after three pregnancies, the scar of the c-section from Noah’s delivery, the loose skin under her belly button and not to forget, her belly button… the stitches from Ruby’s delivery. There was a list, those things were only the top of said list. 

Before she could give any form of answer, he bend down, firmly putting his hands left and right of her hip. Amy saw him shudder when he bend down and tugged his legs under himself, only spreading his legs slightly, because he was still in his stupid jeans and his cock was rock hard… but that was forgotten as soon as his mouth connected to the very top of her leg, kissing along her center for a moment or two, getting her used to the idea but she didn’t take much of his teasing before she buried her hand in his hair and drew him right where she needed him.

“Jake, ohh jesus, JAKE.” She buggled against his mouth, because his tongue was pressing and sucking just at the right spot and then he laughed and shushed her from his obscene position between her legs and when he looked up at her for a moment, his lips and his chin were wet around that big grin, covered in her desire for him. The view roamed up her core and now it was her shuddering and groaning his name. And he shushed her again, but her eyes rolled into the back of her head because he wasn’t driving one, but two fingers into her and not a second later his mouth was back on her clit. Amy grabbed whatever was closest to her. 

Her heart was beating fast in her chest and there was sweat breaking out on her back and her hairline. She was chanting Jake’s name, trying somewhat consciously to be quiet about it. He was hitting beautiful spots inside her and used his tongue with rigorous determination. This was clearly about him wanting her to come, not about teasing her. And she was so close, at that, she wouldn’t be able to bare him stopping now. 

“Jake, ooh god please… please, I need to come. I need to come. Please, make me come.” She almost sobbed the last words and a third finger joined the first two and his thumb was massaging the room between her opening and her clit. There was jolt after jolt running through her, forming a knot and she was close. Jesus was she close.

When she finally came, Jake groaning against her openmouthed and his fingers moving to ride her through the orgasm, it was full body. It was shivering through her muscles, she was arching into every direction and it was sweat inducing and it was tingling all over her skin, and also very exhausting and very lovely. All the air she didn’t get towards the end made her dizzy and freakishly lightheaded. And she was panting for air while she stared at the ceiling.

Jake’s lips against her shoulder was what made her aware of her surroundings again and she lightly knocked her chin against his temple, still unable to speak. And he looked up at her, lust was dominant in his features, his eyes were burning with need. She dove her hand in his hair and drew him to her so she could express her gratitude in a kiss. She went for his ridiculous jeans with both hands, the button, the fly, then she drove her hand into his boxers and was rewarded with a moan that came deep from his chest when she took his hard length into her hand but only so she could shove it out of the way and pull down his pants.

“I need you.” His voice was shaking. 

In joined afford they get rid of his jeans and boxers and realized then that the condom was in his jeans pocket and they both laughed a bit and somehow it took some of the tense air with it. It gave them a little break and ended when Amy pushed him down and climbed over his lap to straddle him. She sunk down on him slowly, more for his sake than hers and let him dictate the pace at first. It was not long from there until they met in the middle, giving and taking, getting hotter and sweatier. Amy’s thighs started to burn, but she was determent. 

Jake reached for her clit and started to push in light circles, while praying her name. Leaning down, Amy started to attack his jaw, as close to the source of his verbal ministrations and the sounds his throat was processing as possible, without silencing them. 

“Ohh god Babe… you drive me… you ooooh good god.” Amy could see that Jake was in desperate need to turn them over and drive into her and god did she wish that was possible right now but the nature of this sofa didn’t grant them that wish. So they make do. Like always.

She could feel the coil forming once more, her orgasm almost takes her out of nowhere, exploding through her body, cutting her breath short and her eyes get wide with wonder and that didn’t happen often. She whispered his name in utter disbelief and love but it overwhelmed him and with one more push into her he came as well. 

In absolute bliss, Amy collapsed onto him and they both tried to regulate their breathing.

“That was amazing, Ames.” Jake whispered, mainly because he had barely any energy left to speak much louder.

They lay there for a while, breathing in each other’s company, pressed together, skin on skin, legs tangled and Jake’s hand in Amy’s hair, while her hand rested over his heart.

“The best since before Noah.” Amy’s voice is still slightly shaking.

“By far.” 

“Hey! What is that supposed to mean?!” Amy spoke in mock accusation and they both ended up laughing. They kissed and then they laughed some more.

And it was almost Noah’s first feed of the night, before they made their way upstairs. Jake threw the blanket Amy covered the couch with while he was upstairs to kiss Ruby goodnight, into the laundry room and reconstructed the traps on his way up. Amy brought the tea cup into the kitchen and checked if all the doors were closed. They went to the bathroom to wash themselves down before lying in bed for awhile, and Jake didn’t try to sleep before Amy was done feeding their son. And even after that they talked for a while in the dark.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit shorter than usually. Sos. Hope you still enjoy the kittenfluff. I do.

Saturday on Sunday night June barely slept. Every time one of them tucked her back into her own bed, it wouldn’t take long for her to either come right back or sleep for a short period before waking up again and coming to their room once more. Despite knowing better, they gave up the fight at half past four and June plus her yellow stuffed rabbit piecefully nodded off between them. Thus, the struggle was real when they had to wake her up at seven. There was little to no avail in waking her and trying to interact with her, she would fall right back asleep. Ultimately, Jake picked her up and carried her downstairs. She was asleep on his shoulder the moment they hit the kitchen. 

It was clearly not their favourite thing to do on a sunday morning, getting up that early. But they planned to visit Amy’s parents and if they wanted to be there by noon, they had to be ready in the car to leave by nine. 

It was less of a problem for Ruby. Jake heard her on the stairs before he saw her enthusiastically jumping through the living room, checking for him there and into the open dining area to the kitchen.

“DADDY! DADDY LOOK!” she cried, instantly waking June who started whimpering and soon sobbing miserably.

“Shhh Shhh Shhh. We have a very grumpy Monkey on our hands here. Shhh” He soothed both girls at once, lightly bouncing June and caressing her head.

Ruby came to a hold in front of him, smiling at him with all her teeth on display.

“Daddy, look!” she whispered now and put a finger on one of her front teeth and wobbled it a tiny bit. “It’s wobbling Daddy! Finally.” 

“Finally!” Jake exaggerated. He pushed her hand from her mouth and started to wobble the tooth around himself. “And what do you do? Where do you plan to live now that you are all grown up?” 

“Daddy! Don’t be silly.” She laughed and started to climb up a stool so she could sit on the counter. “I will always live with you and Mummy!” She shook her head and rolled her eyes, looking everything like Amy in that moment. But then she started to take pity on her little sister who was still very miserable. From where Jake was preparing cereals for himself and Ruby und June, she was able to fumble with her blond locks and kiss her head, she even started to sing to her softly. It was when Amy came into the room that she instantly reached out for her.

“Mumma...” she whimpered softly. Letting go of Jake’s t-shirt to stretch her arms out. 

“Ohh baby.” She took her over and just out of habit touched her forehead and her cheeks, but it felt perfectly normal.

“Do you want to watch some cartoons with Ruby?” June shook her head while pressing her face into Amy’s shoulder. “Ohh dear. Then it’s serious.” Amy joked and started on some porridge for herself. 

They had their breakfast on the couch in the living room and made it out of the house almost on time. June was the first asleep, Ruby was singing which was contagious to Jake and Noah was mainly a happy baby, being awfully interested in his feet. Amy had a pile of magazines and newspapers she wanted to catch up on, but was asleep even before they had left the City. 

June woke up when they stopped so Amy could feed Noah, and it escalated from there, she started to cry all over again. Ruby was sweet and kind and tried to distract her but nothing really worked and the last hour of the drive was a lot more stressful. Noah was naturally picking up on his sister’s mood and railed himself up. Everyone was glad when they parked the car.

Amy’s mother was waiting at the front door, smiling happily and stretching her arms wide in welcome. She hugged all five of them in various combinations. June was attached to Amy’s side and there was no way she would let go to be held by Camila, or by anyone at this point, really. Ruby got two hugs, one to be welcomed and the other because of her wobbly tooth. One of Amy’s brothers was already there with his wife and two sons. The youngest would join them any minute. The rest had other plans. 

After lunch Joe, Amy’s older brother and Jake took out Ruby, James and Lucas. June couldn’t be convinced. There was a large playground very close to the house and the weather was reasonable, if not nice for this time of year. Before, however, they even came close to the playground a neighbor stopped Joe and as such the rest of them as well. 

“ Joe. Hey! How are you doing? How is your mum? HI, I am Georg, hi, hey.” He introduced himself to Jake and greeted the kids. Jake introduced himself in return and upon explaining that he was Amy’s husband, Georg swore he knew as soon as he spotted the little girl beside him. Ruby by then, had of course found a hiding spot behind Jake.

Joe gave him a rundown of his mother’s health since she suffered from a minor heart attack in May. Also all sorts of gossip was traded, (Joe was a teacher at the local high school). It was when they had almost said their goodbyes that Ruby spotted a cat at the front door of the house. She immediately stopped and almost yanked Jake to a hold. 

“Look over there!” Jake followed her hand and next George, who was walking back to the house, turned back around and laughed.

“That’s Mini! She’s got kittens. Wanna see ’em?” He called and made an inviting hand gesture. 

“Please, please, please!! DADDY PLEASE!” She jumped on the spot, lifting Jake’s arm up and down and Jake knew two things right at that moment: First, he wanted to see the kittens too and second, Amy would kill him, simply because letting her see kittens would make Ruby bag for one for weeks on end. The last phase of relentless bagging was only just over. But at this point, James and Luca were already running towards the house, Joe looked over at him and shrugged.

“We might as well look at kittens.” He said and that’s when Ruby let go of his hand and run after her cousins. 

Inside, they met George’s wife Christy, who asked the same questions about Camila, but apparently knew exactly who Jake was. She offered the kids cookies and coffee to the men. There were four adorable kittens in a corner of the facility room in a big cage and George introduced every kitten to every child and it took about ten minutes before Jake was also on the floor. It were moments like these in which Jake couldn’t understand why Amy was against getting a cat. Joe of course needed to betray him and send a picture of them sitting on the floor with the kittens to Amy’s phone, so while he was taking much too many pictures, he received a text from her, reading: ‘Seriously, Jake! You’re going to deal with that!’ The next one read: ‘How did you even find them? You wanted to go to the playground.’ And: ‘She is not going to shut up about this! EVER:’ Also: ‘Why, Jake?’ He send her a short video of Ruby holding a kitten and smiling like it was christmas morning, her wobbly tooth just slightly tilted to the front.

It was obviously an ordeal to leave the house an hour later. Luca was begging almost as much as Ruby and Joe was close to giving in, which Jake feared the most. Gladly, the kittens were still too little to be separated from their mother, that’s why the biggest problem was to lure Ruby away from them in the first place. 

They decided to turn around and not go to the playground as it was almost three and they would have to drive back rather sooner than later. Ruby had a meltdown barely a hundred yards from George and Christy’s house. Joe herded the boys along until they had turned the corner.

“Can we come back next week?” She sobbed. 

“We can’t Ruby.” She stomped her foot heavily on the sidewalk. 

“But why can’t we have one for ourselves? It could live in the cave, or in my room. Mummy wouldn’t even notice much!” She tried to argue, but she was still sobbing and breathing a little too erratic for Jake’s liking.

“Ruby. Look at me.” He crouched down in front of her, holding onto her arms. “We cannot have a kitten. I know it’s hard to understand. But we talked about it many times, it’s just not possible.”

Ruby tried to calm herself down. Jake tried to take her in his arms for a moment but she was struggling against him and pushing him away and the sobbing started to become heavier again. 

At one point she started to make gestures with her hands, making her look like a mini Amy by slowly lowering her hands in front of her body, over and over again, trying to fit her breathing to the movements. Jake hated it, he didn’t want his five year old to know how to keep her emotions in check. At the same time, he knew that his little girl would always manage in this world, she was strongheaded and patient (most of the time) and kind and so so clever. 

Then she looked straight at him. 

“But I am five now! I can care for it. I will feed it. And even clean the litterbox. Please. You don’t have to do anything. Please? Pleeease!” Her heaving sobs had turned to quiet tears. 

“We will not have a cat.” 

Jake expected her to throw a tantrum. He expected her to scream at him, to even run away from him, or back to the kittens. He even followed the initial instinct to check the street left and right for cars, just in case. All the possibilities shot through his head. Except her stepping a foot away from him, so that he needed to let her go. Then she crossed her arms over her chest, walked past him and in a mannered pace, she started to walk in the direction of her grandparent’s house. Jake blinked once, twice and then, almost flabbergasted, followed her. 

When they reached the house, James run right into them screaming that he would get a kitten as soon as they were old enough to be separated from their mother. 

“I won’t” was all Ruby answered. Next, she set down on the stairs not even making her way through to the living room to say hi. 

“Is there something you need to say, sweetie?” Jake asked her while he undressed his jacket and reached for hers as well. Hesitantly, she got up to undress herself. But sat back down again. She didn’t answer even though it seemed visibly hard not to. Jake decided to leave her be for the moment, understanding that she would come around in her own time. 

She didn’t, not even Camila could convince her. She got up and said her good-byes to her grandparents when Amy and Jake decided to leave. She got into the car without any help, fastened her seatbelt, even though that was something she often struggled with. She helped Amy with Noah, but ignored Jake with June on her other side who was a little bit less grumpy by now, still tired however.

When all three kids had fallen asleep, about an hour into the ride, Amy looked over to Jake for a second, who in turn looked at pictures on his phone.

“What did you say to her?” 

“Nothing. I mean, nothing we haven’t said to her before.” He recalled the whole conversation to her, as well as the way Ruby acted right after.

“Why did you even let her go in there? You know better.” Amy said while slowing down the car to stop at a red light.

“There was really nothing much I could do.”

“You mean, there wasn’t very much that you wanted to do!”

 

“No, seriously! Joe had said yes before I could say no.” 

“You’re looking at cat photos on your phone right now.” Amy huffed and turned the volume of the news a little louder, indicating that she wanted to listen to them. As soon as they were finished and they were driving again, she added:

“I just don’t think it’s the right time. I will go back to work soon. Nobody will be home all day. And even if that isn’t reason enough, they leave their hair everywhere and they destroy furniture and they smell, they are so much work and they get sick and cost money. It’s just not right…” 

Jake swallowed hard and looked out of the window. It was hard not to say how they had three children in the back of their car, all of which checked the same criteria. He knew she would question his sanity if he were to compare their children to animal. 

“Is there something you need to say?” Jake swang his head to face the side of her face.

“Don’t beat me at my own game.”

“It’s not your game! Please don’t be childish about this now. I don’t want us to fight.”

“It’s just… I don’t think it’s such a bad idea, Amy. They are not like dogs, there is much less time involved in their care. And pets are a good thing for kids. We both know Ruby is ready for some responsibility.” 

Both turned to silence after Jake had finished laying out his argument. It was after a while that Amy, almost in a whisper, said:

“But I don’t want her to be.” 

\----

The next day they learned the nature of June’s tiredness and general grumpiness. Even though it had almost seemed as if she was turning around by bedtime. Also, she had slept through the whole night. 

Jake was on his way to bring the girls to kindergarten/ nursery on his way to work as he did every morning. Ruby was still not talking to him, which got to him on a level he wasn’t expecting. It hit the hardest when he dropped her off at her classroom and she neither kissed him, nor answered his I love you. And he was short to calling her out on it, however decided against it, not wanting to make matters worse by embarrassing her in front of her class. It stung. 

With June walking on her own beside him, they made their way down to the nursery part of the building. He saw commotion in front of the room. There were parents walking towards him with their child, smiling at them, some frowning and some were talking to a teacher.

He heard the word chickenpox before he had made contact with any teacher. However, as soon as Linda saw him, she grinched a bit. Linda had been Ruby’s teacher as well, and they had a very good relationship to her. Both girls loved her. 

“We should have called upstairs. Sammy, can you do that real quick?” She said when she spotted him and turned to her colleague. “They need to stop and check the parents with little ones down here, okay? I think it’s only the Masons and Mr. Levenson. Cool. Thank you.” 

“Hey Jake. We have to close the floor, there have been five cases of chickenpox reported within the last half an hour. And there might be more. Did Ruby had them already?” 

Jake shook his head. “No, she didn’t. I am gonna get her again.” Linda smiled at him and turned to another parent.

He called Terry on his way back upstairs, not only to explain that he would be late because he had to turn around and drive back home, but also because Ava was with them only Wednesday. Terry could gladly report that all three of his had been through that years ago.

It was only in the car fifteen minutes later that he called Lucy. Lucy thanked him genuinely for calling, however could safely say that both Benny and Charlotte have had chickenpox. Thus, Jake learned that Benny had a five year old sister. Different father, don’t worry, she said, laughing and he joint her in a mixture of relief and, honestly, enjoying talking to her. She asked how the children were and he told her about June. She answered him that he was probably right in suspecting that she was already infected and thus her siblings most likely as well. It was a good call to take both home. That Lucy is a nurse was the next thing he leaned and it made Jake contemplate Roger’s words. Not that necessarily every nurse was a good person, but… well. He couldn’t put the finger on it. He had such a preconceived opinion of the woman. He wanted to slab himself for that. It wasn’t the way he usually operated. 

The time told him that Amy hadn’t left the house yet, so he drove back home without calling her. Understandably surprised did she look when she opened the frontdoor after having seen Jake parking his car in the driveway again and getting out with Ruby and June. 

“What’s wrong? Amy asked. She looked as if she was thinking very hard. “Have we forgotten something? Oh God, have we…” Jake was shaking his head and closed the car behind them. 

“June has chickenpox.” Ruby called, finally able to talk to someone again. She run past her mother and into the house.

“Seriously!” Amy looked at Jake with big eyes, disbelieve reflecting in her whole stance. 

“Most likely she does. Nursery is closed. Would explain yesterday. I need to turn back ‘round.” He rushed through the words while he looked at his clock. Amy nodded and nudged him back in the direction of his car.

“Keep me updated.” He said before jogging back to drive off to work.

“I will.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is train wreck, I feel. I though I needed to strech a bit before the 'build up', I might have faild, still, enjoy <3
> 
> Thank you a lot to everyone who keeps reading every week! I am astonished :)
> 
> WARNING: Ohh... also, there is vomiting in this!! (I know people can be very sensible to this. Be warned!)

It was Friday morning around five when Jake woke up freezing. At first, he tossed and turned, hoping to fall back asleep after finding a thick pair of amy’s woolen socks. To no avail, he snuggled up behind Amy to suck up some of her body heat, which was high at all times but especially so while she was breastfeeding. It helped for about ten minutes and he felt, for a second there, like he could actually drift off again. All until his stomach turned violently on him and he had to rush out of bed and out of the room. 

He was dry heaving miserably very quickly. Amy, who had woken up the moment Jake had yanked her blanked halfway from her body, had joined him at this point, having closed the door behind them. She was wetting a washcloth and sitting down beside him on the edge of the bathtub. She rubbed his shoulders and upper back, his t-shirt was wet from sweat.

When he had sufficiently calmed down, tears still wet all over his red face and his hands shaking, Amy rubbed down his forehead and his face.

“You are burning up, Jake.” Jake swallowed hard in answer and shivered almost violently, as if wanting to disprove her point.

“This can’t be chickenpox. You’ve been vaccinated.” It was while she was speaking, that she saw a red spot on his neck. She pushed his chin up so she could take a better look. 

“Did you have it as a child?”

“Can’t remember,” he muttered. 

“Let’s take a look, help me get you out of this…” She tucked at the hem of his t-shirt and Jake set up reasonably straight to make undressing easier. 

“Ohh Jake.” Amy saw at least a dozen spots all over his back and another handful down his chest and arms. How didn’t they notice this earlier? 

“You definitely got it.” He was still breathing heavily and looking up at her with watery and unfocused eyes. Jake had been harboring a cold the last couple of days. It was nothing distracting, it wouldn’t have brought him down and they were so focused on June and Ruby that he barely made himself notice. This definitely changed the situation. 

“Let’s get you back to bed.” 

By the time Jake was back in bed, on Amy’s side because it was still nice and warm, Ruby had woken up. There was no way Amy would get any more sleep. Within the same train of thought, she realized that she had a couple of tough days ahead of her with Jake sick as well. 

She was able to feet Noah in the half hour between Ruby laying down on the couch and June waking up. June had a crazy rush. There were blisters in her ears and her bellybutton, and they had to cover her hands in mittens so she wouldn’t scratch. Gladly, she slept through most of the day and night, but if she didn’t she was crying. It was heartbreaking. With Noah there were no signs so far of either chicken pox, nor Jake’s cold.

She booked Jake into their GB as soon as it opened. She had something in the back of her head that it was worse if adults were to be infected. At the telephone however they could at least reassure her that it did occasionally happen despite being vaccinated, especially on a weak immune system. Amy explained that that was most likely the case. Next she called the nine-nine to call in sick for him.

At around nine, she was sitting cross legged on the bed. Jake was sitting in front of her and she applied ointment to the spots. They hadn’t yet turned into blisters. 

“On the phone they said it won’t turn into a full-blown outbreak.” Jake nodded, dozing. Ruby sat at the headboard, flipping through a magazine she got from her grandma when she had visited two days earlier. Karen had visited almost every day so far, helping Amy out by bringing food or taking laundry with her only to bring them the next day freshly folded and nice smelling. 

Ruby was snuggled into two cozy blankets, just a couple of feet beside Jake. Her fever was slightly down and she was more attentive than the last few days. Since the first signs of her infection on Tuesday night, she had returned to talking to Jake. Even though it wasn’t so much out of forgiveness for whatever crime Jake had committed, (which Ruby, by the way, still hadn’t articulated), but rather because Amy had snapped. She explained to her daughter that it wasn’t possible to care for her properly, if she didn’t communicated to Jake what she needed, what hurt or when she needed a break from something, and all this through the medium which was commonly used in their relationship, not just pointing at things and violently shaking her head. Still, sometimes she seemed to remember her scheme in the middle of a sentence and stopped talking again, until Amy looked at her reproachfully. 

At this point, Amy was positive that she had gotten over it completely. Since Amy had explained to her that Jake wasn’t well, there had been snuggles and countless I love yous, as if she wanted to make up for all the times she hadn’t said it in the last week. She had immediately made her way into their bed and hadn’t left since.

“How is your stomach?” Amy caressed his hair and rested her hand on his forehead which was still too hot.

“It’s better.” 

“I am sure it was the fever.” She tickled softly through his hair for a while, pushing him back into a resting position lying down, before she shuffled herself away from him to make space for Ruby.

“Now you. Come here.” She patted the space before her and helped her daughter disentangle from the blankets she was tucked into.

It was a few minutes later that the baby monitor indicated June to be awake again and crying, very miserably. Jake pushed himself up, almost too fast. When she started to call and they could hear it not only through the monitor, but also through the walls. He took a shaky breath before swinging one leg out of the bed to stand up. 

“Let me get her.” He said after the wave of dizziness had passed.

“Are you sure?” Jake waved her off. Still he almost walked against the doorframe and Amy groaned.

“Don’t drop her!” She called after him.

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do, Santiago!” He says and Amy considers for a moment whether that was the fever talking and if she should follow him, but he returns with a grin on his face, holding June the right way up and Amy simply rolls her eyes, trying not to smile. 

“Undress her. And give me everything for a fresh nappy.” 

Amy discards of the second glove and pulls on the third.

\---

It was around five-ish that someone knocked on the front door. Amy was just in the kitchen, sitting down for a bit and having a snack and coffee. Everyone else was asleep. For a minute she thought it might be Karen, however she let herself in the last couple of days with her key, not wanting to wake the girls.

She slid from her chair and took a quick look out the window to see who it might be. She saw a woman she didn’t recognize. It was only when she opened the door and saw that Benny was with her that she concluded that it must be Lucy, also because there were quite some similarities between their features. Lucy was a couple of inches smaller than herself, with short blond hair and bright green eyes. She had a kind smile playing on her lips and happiness radiating from her eyes. 

“Hey, I am Lucy! You must me Amy.” Benny waved at her from beside his mother. Amy was surprised, but she returned the gesture and smiled warmly at the child.

“Em, yes. Hi.” She took the offered handshake and Lucy must have seen the surprise because she continued talking right away.

“Sorry to come here unannounced. Jake texted me he wouldn’t be able to make it this weekend and that he was sick as well. We thought we would drop by and bring you this.” She held up the basket she was holding in one hand, she also smiled genuinely at her. Amy took it, it was filled with cake and jars of soup.

“Ohh! You came all this way! That’s very kind of you, you shouldn’t have.” Amy didn’t really knew what to say. She really, really didn’t expect something like this.

“We wanted to, Benny insisted.” She smiled down at her son who smiled up at her, hugging her hand close to his chest. Now that her other hand was free, she drew him closer to her so he stood in front of her.

“Please come in!” Amy made a step back but Lucy immediately shook her head.

“No, no! Don’t worry. Really, I am sure you have enough trouble already.”

“I wouldn’t want you to have come all this way just to turn around. Do you have a bit of time? Let me offer you some coffee.” Amy insisted.

“And I have hot chocolate for you, Benny! Would you like some?” She knew this was a slippery slope, going through the kid. But soon, Lucy tilted her head and smiled and pushed Benny lightly to go in.

To be honest, Amy was curious to meet Lucy, and also glad for some entertainment. 

Benny was a lot more outgoing this time around. Maybe because he was here the second time, or because his mum was with him. Probably a combination of the two of them. Amy put on some water to boil for tea, as Lucy explained she wasn’t a friend of coffee, which Amy questioned but didn’t push. She also warmed up milk in the microwave. 

“When Jake called beginning of the week, he said it might be chickenpox. He didn’t confirm it today, it was a rather short text, which is fine, don’t get me wrong.” Lucy happily took the cup Amy offered her while she joined her and Benny at the table. 

“Yes. I imagine there was not much in him… it hit him quite hard this morning. That he remembered texting you suprises me.” Amy confessed.

“Have they all got it?” 

“Noah hasn't shown any signs so far. But the girls are both blistering.”

“Ohh, but then it’s almost over. Give it another few days. How old is Noah?” 

“5 month.” 

“Ohh, such a small one! Benny couldn’t exactly pin-point how old everyone was. He explained to me that June and Noah were both babies. And I didn’t want to ask Roger.” Lucy rolled her eyes and Amy tried to hide her grin. 

“June is two. Ruby five.”

“Do you breastfeed?” Amy nodded.

“It was the same with Charlotte. When Benny got it, Charlotte was only just born and she got it later on.“

“Where is she, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“She’s with my mum. I didn’t want to run you over by bringing the whole gang.” 

“Ruby is as old as Charlotte I believe. Maybe we can arrange a playdate sometimes!”

“Oh! I am sure that’s a nice idea.”

They talked awhile about their children. It was easy talk and they could connect and relate on most topics. Amy decided to ask if Lucy had any recommendation of how and where to learn sign language. She wanted to make clear that she didn’t want to be noisy, but she had a feeling it might be the right move. And Lucy was almost thankful in her answer. It also lead to Lucy explaining some things about the nature of Benny’s mutism and that obviously Benny was still in therapy. Roger must have conveyed that wrong. When Lucy and Benny left, they hugged and Amy proved that she had clicked herself through youtube by signing goodbye and Benny happily replied, before they walked to the car.

\---

Ruby walked into the living room an hour after Lucy had left. Amy had got Noah out of the bedroom upstairs half an hour ago. Maybe she had woken her up.

“Hey pineapples. How are you feeling?” Amy greeted her and patted the space beside her on the couch. 

“I am thirsty.” Amy smiled. 

“Let me get you something. Are Daddy and June still asleep?” She asked while she walked through to the kitchen.

“Mmmh.” 

Five minutes later, Ruby was snuggled into Amy’s side while she was entertaining Noah on her lap. She let Ruby skip through Netflix Kids and settle for The Little Mermaid and she wouldn’t fall asleep. Amy assumed that she was already getting better. At one point, Jake scuffled past the living room into the kitchen but made his way upstairs again, claiming that the noise of the TV was feeding his headache. Almost no time after he had vanished, Amy could hear him vomitting again. She strapped Noah into his swing and made her way upstairs to see if he needed any help. 

“How am I this sick?” He muttered after they sat for a while beside each other on the floor. “I was fine yesterday.” His words were shaky and feeble. Amy offered him some water. He made very small sips, hoping not to make himself sick again. From the other room, June started to cry for her and Amy rubbed Jake’s back and got up. June had already slipped from the bed and wobbled into her direction. One of her mittens was missing and there was some blood on her neck and in her blond hair, which made it extra gruesome. Amy wanted to cry herself seeing her like this. Why couldn’t she simply make it stop? She needed to make it stop. She took a deep breath. lifted her up and pressed her against herself while swinging softly from side to side. She cleaned her up and treated the blisters and carried her through the room until she had cried herself to sleep again. 

All the while Jake wouldn’t come out of the bathroom. She had stopped by every once in awhile but he simply wouldn’t muster the mental strength to lift himself up from the floor.

“Babe, the floor is cold. This isn’t helping.” She offered him a hand, but he didn’t reach for it.

“Give me a minute.” His body was resting against the bathtub and his head in his arms.

“You are almost asleep! Get up, Jake.” 

“Give me a minute.” He repeated. 

It was when Ruby called from downstairs that Noah needed to be changed that she turned around and walked out of the room.

“Suit yourself. But please, go back to bed soon!?” 

\--- 

The following night was the hardest of the whole week. June was keeping everyone up. At around two Amy called her mum. She was carrying Noah on her hip and Jake was half lying, half sitting on the bed, with June on his chest who wore nothing but a vest which exposed her dotted skin but cooled her down. She was crying and holding desperately onto him, he tried his best to calm her down and looking equally as exhausted at the same time. His hair was sticking to his forehead while he rested his cheek on her head, shushing her and singing softly. It wasn’t the best idea by far, putting a toddler with a high fever onto a feverish grown-up, but that’s where she was the most content right now, which was almost ridiculous, seeing as she was miserable. 

“Her temperature is at 103 - it’s been hours now… I know it’s doing it’s job, Mum.” Amy stood at the window, looking outside unseeingly. The bed was reflecting in the darkness of the glass and she signed.

“She is getting no rest, Mum, she’s been crying all night. I don’t know what else to do.” In that moment, she wanted to cry herself and there was almost a sob rising through her throat but she swallowed hard and made herself stop, because after all it wouldn’t help anyone. 

Her mother asked her which meds June was given and suggested to give her a dose for the night after sponging her down in lukewarm water. Amy wanted to protest because surely there was only so much medication a child could tolerate. Next, she questioned whether it was too easy an answer to their situation. Then she considered reading the PIL very closely again before taking her mother’s advice. Amy was afraid to do the wrong thing at this point. She was tired and it became increasingly harder to think straight. She hung up and her mother encouriged her in her plan and suggested that she could also always call a doctor if she was unsure. 

“What’d she say.” Jake’s words were slurred and slow. Amy sat down beside him, indicating to switch babies.

“To give her a bath.” 

It wasn’t the easiest task to make June let go of Jake. He lifted himself up properly and that alone initiated protest. 

“Nooo, Dadda nooo, noo.” Her sobbing got louder and it pressed the tears back into Amy’s eyes.

“You are warm and she is cold. How is she going to like a basically cold bath?” Amy pressed through closed teeth, while she put Noah in Jake’s left arm. The moment she stood up with her screaming toddler and turned her back on Jake, she let a couple of tears fall.

As soon as Amy left the room together with June, Noah was asleep almost instantly, and while there was exhaustion in every bone and every muscle of his body, he fought hard to keep his eyes open. He softly put Noah into his cradle and pushed himself forward into the direction of the bathroom, following the sound of a tantrum. Of course he found Ruby standing in her doorway, having been woken up by the new extremes of June’s crying.

She walked towards him and hugged her arms around him, pressing her face into his belly. Her head felt almost normal and maybe it was and it was him who was too hot to make a distinction between a temperature and not a temperature.

“Is June okay?” She asked concerned and looked up at him after a moment.

“She is really not feeling very well.” Jake answered. “Let’s get you back to bed. How about we turn on some music or something?” 

The plan was good technically, but the execution was not well conceived. Jake fell asleep beside Ruby, while Ruby crawled back out of bed and walked into the bathroom.

She found her mum sitting beside the bath tube singing softly. 

“Can I sit with you, Mummy?” she asked softly and her Mum turned her head around in surprise. 

“What are you doing up?” She asked her and reached with one hand for her. Ruby hushed over and fell on her knees beside her mum. June was sitting in the tube, still breathing heavy and sobbing every once in awhile but much lighter than before almost as if she was simply too tired for a bath . She copied her mum and started to let small amounts of water drizzle down her sister’s back and her arms. 

“Did the crying wake you up?”   
“I guess... I couldn’t fall back asleep. But I tried.”

“Good girl.” She got a kiss on her temple and felt very happy that she did the right thing. In that moment, June tried to stand up in the bathtub. Ruby instantly supported her back and their mum grabbed for her arms.

“Mumma, wanna cuddle.” big tears rolled down her cheeks and defeated she dropped back down. 

“Shhh. Let me get a towel.” 

Ruby took the towel beside her on the toilet and handed it over. 

“Thank you, baby.” She watched as her mum lifted June out of the tub, who instantly dropped her head down into her neck.

“Can you drain the water, Ruby?” 

“Sure.” 

“Thank you.” She stood up to follow her mum, who carried June up and down the hall. Rocking her slightly and singing softly. June was quiet for a few moments, but then every once in awhile produced a hiccup-y sort of sob. 

“Don’t you want to try and go back to bed?” she looked at her and caressed her hair when she passed Ruby.

“Can I sleep with you?” She saw her mum taking a deep breath.

“I just think you wouldn’t get much sleep there, baby.” She looked at her and tried to smile.

“But Daddy is in my bed…”

“He… what?” Her mum pushed the bedroom door open and looked inside. 

“When did that happen?” 

“I asked him to sit with me a bit… but he fell asleep.” Next, she pushed open her bedroom door. She stood there in the doorway for a moment and with a confused look, she went inside. She checked his face and his forehead as she did all the time the last couple of days and then drew the blanket over him. She even let the nightlight burn, Ruby grinned as she watched.

“Well, in this case, hop in!” She said as soon as she closed the door behind her. “But be quite, Noah is sleeping. Ruby crawled into the bed and tried to wait for her mum to join her. 

When Amy, an hour later fell into bed exhausted, Ruby was fast asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is nothing much happening here today. Just some soul diving.  
> Enjoy.

Sunday comes with rain hitting the windows and darkness. At ten in the morning, all the lights downstairs were turned on and the TV was running in the livingroom. Amy was listening to a podcast in the kitchen, while she bounced Noah on her hip and tried to tidy up the last couple of days worth of dishes sitting in the sink and beside the sink and along the countertop. It would be cozy if it weren’t for everyone feeling either sick or tired or bored. 

At least they had all left the bedroom for the first time in days. Ruby was a lot better. She was playing in the far right corner of the the living-room. It was basically a dedicated play area with boxes of toys and blankets and games, right under the big window with a nice windowsill on the far side. When they first moved into the house, Amy had imagined a recliner there and a small bookshelf with all her favorite books. 

Now, Ruby was playing animal clinic there and they had painted the interior wall in black chalkboard color. It was covered in drawings by everyone, except Noah, obviously, and it was easy to make out who did what not only by the ‘quality’ of the ‘piece’, but also by the height it was drawn at. Jake and her had filled the space between four and six feet from the ground. It had happened over the course of the last year and they treated it like guilty pleasures, never getting caught in the act. But sometimes another blank space was filled by some silly drawing from either Jake or Amy, mostly animals, one motivational quote by Amy, ‘What is done in love is done well’. Nothing ever changed there, really. Stuff just appeared. Then it morphed into Ruby’s space, which was full of attempts of writing her name and merpeople and cats. It was funny, because Jake had a strange talent for drawing cats and the upper half was littered with cat drawings that actually resembled cats and Ruby was getting better and better, copying what she saw further up. However, Ruby very regularly erased her area. The bottom was filled with abstract strokes of color and handprints and whole blocks of white and green and pink.

While Ruby was quietly playing with a whole bunch of stuffed animals, Jake was sitting and sleeping in an armchair, he surely hadn’t intended to fall asleep, otherwise he would have chosen the couch right away, maybe he wanted to avoid falling asleep but he lost that battle. His fever was up again and in the last twenty-four hours he had developed a cough and Amy was slightly worried. June was sitting in his lap, leaning against him, her stuffed rabbit in her arms and one of the ears in her mouth which she chewed on contently while she watched a kids show on TV. 

Her fever was considerably down, compared to friday night. Her blisters were healing up and the earliest were mere red shadows on her skin. Still, she wasn’t very active, she was drawn to her parents and had a very high demand for cuddles and hugs. Maybe also because hugging her tightly and rubbing her body reduced the itchiness of her skin and made her calm down and sleep better. 

While Amy wasn’t fighting any illness, she was fighting exhaustion. It was definitely a bit too much the last couple of weeks, and that apart from chickenpox and sleepless nights. Jake had started to become more absent even before he got sick. He spent more and more time in this head thinking which tended to turn into him spiralling hard. And Amy got it, she really did, but she also didn’t really know what to do. She would catch him every time. She was there whenever he needed her. However, she would never be able to fully comprehend what he was going through.  
She listened. She almost felt the full extent of his pain, but only just almost. She gathered all the sadness and hope and loneliness of the dark moments and loved him twice as much for it, poured everything she had and aimed for his heart. That, still, didn’t reverse the deeply seeded lack of self-worth that Roger had planted there decades ago. It might heal over one day, but for that to happen, the hope must first be completely eliminated. It needed to become worse before it could get better.

Naturally, they were on the doorstep of this event. And foreboding was heavy in the air and it pulled her down and frightened her. It was as if she anticipated Jake hitting the ground every second of every day, and it drained her off her energy. Because she knew, she couldn’t stop that fall. Roger was dying. It was tangible and near and oh so bittersweet. That’s what it sometimes felt like, bittersweet and devilish, it would be finally over with and maybe they could move on, while all the same there was agitation and anguish at the mere thought of his death. She wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even Jake. And that, she decided, was the crux of the matter and the main source of her exhaustion. 

And while she was smiling down at her son who was happily babbling away at her, being the happiest baby that ever babied, and while her podcast in the background at least made her day a little bit more interesting, (she loved being at home with her babies, she had made this decision, it was well contemplated and never regretted, still, she was happy as much as she was sad to go back to work soon), and while she pushed exactly that thought to the back of her mind turning on the dishwasher, there was no way for her to know that what she feared and anticipated at equal measure, had already come to pass.

It was a few hours later, it was basically dark outside by then. Jake had made the wise decision to go back to bed around noon because he really was no fun to be around. Amy was sure that she heard a phone vibrate somewhere. It happened twice before but she always disregarded it as the TV. But she had turned it off as June was napping and Ruby was sitting at the kitchen table drawing and she looked around the room for a bit. It wasn’t her phone. She called Jake’s phone then, because it was the only sensible solution to a small mystery and she couldn’t resist being clever about it.

It vibrated again from somewhere around the armchair. She lifted the cushion and in triumph fished Jake’s phone out of the crack. It had a couple of missed calls. One of them being her. One Charles, five minutes ago. Three times an unknown number. 

At first she thought to simply put it to the side and bring it up with her when she would get Noah from his nap. But it was five minutes later that the unknown number ringed again and it was more of a reflexe than a straight decision making process when she picked up.

“This is Amy.” she says and makes her way towards the stairs.

“Oh em, this is Richard Derickson. Is this the phone of Jacob Peralta?” Amy stopped for a second and let the name run through her brain but it didn’t register with her.

“This is his wife. Can I help you?”

“Mrs. Peralta, may I speak with your husband, please. I am his father’s lawyer.”  
In that moment, Amy realized that she might have made a mistake. There was a sense of dread settling in her bones and she swallowed before she answered:

“Of course, you have to give me a moment. He is not very well, I might have to wake him up.” She said because there was no false sense of propriety involved for what she believed was to come. The man on the other end thanked her. She took two steps at a time and almost jogged down the small hall, she pushed the bedroom door open as quietly as she could. Jake was awake though and sitting up, sipping at a cup of tea and he looked up at her and he looked as if he wanted to start talking but Amy shook her head and lifted up his phone as a signal, she walked around the bed to sit beside him. She took his cup out of his hands and put it on the nightstand.

“That’s your dad’s lawyer.” She whispered, before gently laying the phone into his open palm. He looked at her all the while with wide eyes and slightly opened mouth, as if a sentence still lingered on his lips. He looked down at his open hand and it took him a while before he lifted it to his ear.

“Hallo. This is Jake?” His words are throaty and broken. Instinctively she grabbed for his free hand and held it with both of hers. 

And then there is a small interlude of infinity that lasted the duration of the phonecall. Amy can hear every word the lawyer says, because she is that close and she also thinks that it’s possible she hears Jake’s pulse rise and fall.

“I am so sorry to inform you that your father has passed away last night. He was found in his hotel room this morning. An autopsy is scheduled for tomorrow morning. There are no signs of outside influences. I am to inform you only in case of the event of his death and have to ask you to inform Lucy Gartland, Benjamin’s mother. I am very sorry, Mr. Peralta...” 

The phone-call didn’t end there but Amy assumed that neither her nor Jake were listening any longer. There was something about funeral arrangement and that he would send out a copy right away. Something other about the transfer of the body within the next week. A promise of being in contact. All that jazz. It was horrible and almost inappropriate. 

Jake mustered a half hearted bye before the phone slipped from his hand. And then all he did was look at her and she looked at him. His breathing became heavy. It seemed as if he made himself breath, as if it wasn’t on instinct any longer. The rustling of his lungs from being stuffed with mucous was almost, but not quite, comical in an grotesk way. It made her throat tighten and pull painfully at her windpipe. 

As she lifted her hand and pressed it against his cheek the first of many infinities of the next couple of days was shattered. His lips fell open and then closed again. 

“Amy.” he rasped then, as if he only just noticed her. But maybe that was the way the word has made it past his lips, gone wild somewhere between his glottis and his lips. Low on the vowel sound and higher on the consonants. It ended up just slightly off, resonated in the air between them, a bit crazed and a bit surprised and a bit panicky.

“I know.” she whispered. For all the times this moment had transfixed itself in her consciousness, nothing could have prepared her for the way her own heart reacted to what unfolded before her.

There has always been that thing within him, that lump of love for his father. As a child it was all consuming and warming, the source of safety and content and childish pleasure. He woke up with it and he went to sleep with it and it was so important to him that he voiced it as often as he had the chance to. It made it real and tangible and eased the overwhelming joy of it. 

When his Dad left, this same love turned against him. It hurt him and pressed against his skin from the inside and made his nerves buzz and his muscles shaky. It drove him wild with the need to be returned. During the three days he waited, he had folded it up, pressed it into a shape that was manageable and would later manifest itself either as something alike to disappointment or, more often, hope. 

Stupidly, he attached at least a portion of his self-worth onto that shape. The one that had become awkward and hurt at all the wrong moments when he really couldn’t deal with it. It jumped around in him and mocked him by demanding attention. It poked around in his ribcage and sometimes made his eyes burn until there was no other option but to cry that burn away. The crying never got rid of the lump, though, the lump of love. The disappointment never got the better of it. But he tried. He reasoned a lot with the stupid, heavy, annoying lump. It was persistent and he felt so, so, so stupid. How could he be so stupid? 

The lump turned itself inside-out and when it was heavy and difficult to deal with through his youth, it became an emptiness as he got older. But of course he was so used to the lump that the emptiness didn’t register to him as a far advanced version of the same evil. He didn’t even really notice when the emptiness started to feast on his self-worth. To his conscious mind, thus, there was only hope left. Hope that one day his Dad would be back to share this lump with him. That love lump that had long been eaten up, had long changed form and impact and tactic and reason. It was memory plus abandonment plus false hope plus pain, manifested somewhere in his chest. 

He didn’t let it dominate him. He made it work. He didn’t let it consume him. It didn’t break his heart, not sufficiently enough at least as to make it unusable. And the more people he allowed himself to love and that returned and shared this bond with, the smaller the hole became, the less important it felt. And when he finally found this bond with Amy there was barely any space left in his chest to function as a silly empty hole. Sometimes he would stumble across it, but it was easy to reign and not make it crush him. 

When Ruby came around, two things happened subsequently. First, there was not a nanometer of space occupied by his father’s absence and lack of love, because he bursted with it, with a new and madding kind, he couldn’t contain it. He was a child again, such was his being filled with love. Second, his father’s lack of love must have been his fault. He always concluded that, no matter what his mum said, but now he had profe. Because there was no way not to fall so consequently deep in love with your own child. It happened so instinctively, so naturally, it filled him and contained him, it made him feel like there was nothing more important than protecting this creature and never making it feel unloved. Any other option was incomprehensible to him.  
So, he didn’t let this realization mess with him. It simply couldn’t. It was in his past, he was broken somehow, but it wouldn’t interfere with his new lifelong mission. It simply couldn’t. He lived through the same realization twice more within the next four years. It brushed up on him as if he had forgotten it for a while. And maybe he did, or maybe he had just pushed it very, very far away from his conscious thoughts. It surprised him and made the decision to love his children simply easier.

But boy was he wrong when he thought that the emptiness had decreased, had swallowed the painful stupid love-lump, had made him cold and indifferent to his father’s attention and praise, or this irritating sense of hope that lingered in his bones… because apparently that’s where it hid, there and in the tips of his fingers and right under his skin, just too deep to scratch, just so. It buzzed around his heart and the back of his legs, and his spin was so unmistakably t h e r e. And somewhere in between all those very real spaces in his body, there was this bodiless thing exploding through every fiber of his self. 

His father was dead and there was absolutely and devastatingly no place left for this thing to run itself against, to finally, finally find purchase and be returned, to be shared and to find piece and to be sussed and appreciated. There was no possibility left. All hope crumpled from him, made his skin burn violently with the need to be saved and reassured. Which didn’t happen and thus the lump was back, painful and big, unfolding itself within him, it had returned and felt as if it never left. And so hope transformed into a buzzing and consuming sense of grief. 

“Amy.” he repeated, because he didn’t know what else to say.

 

\---

The door, still ajar from when Amy entered a while ago, was pushed open. Ruby stood in the doorway with a smile on her face and a piece of paper in her hand. And the moment they realized, the moment Jake realized, it seemed as if time very suddenly reversed, like a tap rewinding he gained back posture and the shock fell from his features and he swallowed lightly and shook his head to clear his mind and cleared his throat so he would be able to speak.

“Sweetie! You alright?” he asked, still with almost no sound coming out, and Amy watched in wonder. 

“I drew something for you!” When Jake patted the space beside him on the bed she run and flew up onto the mattress and crawled the last few feet to bloob down beside him, leaning right into his space. She presented the drawing and Jake took it with the hand that Amy wasn’t holding.

“That’s fantastic! What is it?” He smiled at her, and Ruby rolled her eyes dramatically and then laught when he pulled a face.

“Silly Daddy! That’s you and Mummy saving a dog from a roof!” 

“Ohhh! Of course! Obviously, now I see it… brilliant!” 

“Take it to work and show it to Terry!” Ruby demanded and then took the drawing and showed it to Amy.

But Amy was still lost for words and her tongue felt heavy in her mouth and pretending was so much harder for her, so she smiled somehow, painfully and forced. It was strangely hard to let go of Jake’s hand but she did and took the paper in her hand and looked at it, she didn’t see anything but she tried very hard to concentrate on the colourful lines, even though they didn’t make sense. Not because it was impossible to recognize anything, Ruby was rather good, but her brain didn’t work very well right now.

“Mummy, you are crying! Why are you crying? Stop. Don’t cry! Please.” She didn’t know why s h e was crying! Why was she crying? The drawing sailed to the floor and Ruby was leaning over Jake’s legs and hugged her instantly, before Jake really registered what was happening. She opened her arms and automatically let go of Jake completely. 

From the corner of her eye she saw his composure grumbling again. It had come in like a wave and rolled out just to pull away the ground under his feet. His hand lifted to rest on her shoulder and he squeezed and maybe he felt the need to comfort her. While at the same time, she didn’t quite understand what was wrong with her. Roger was dead. Then she looked all the way over at him and she swallowed a sob and restered her face on her daughter's head, who was hugging her very tightly. She locked eyes with Jake and he was pressing his lips together and shook his head lightly and there was a storm somewhere behind his eyes, while their expression was soft and warm and sad. Then his hand lifted further and he wiped away the tears that had somehow escaped her when she had paid too little attention. 

“Why are you sad, Mummy?” Ruby looked up and pressed herself away and out of Amy’s arms and put both hands on her cheeks. And Amy smiled the best she could.

“It’s fine, sweetie. Sometimes you don’t really have a reason why you cry.”

“Are you happy?” 

“I just wish you all were healthy again, I hate seeing you like this.” Amy caressed Ruby’s arm and she took the honesty of the words to push a genuine smile onto her face.

“So you are a tiny bit sad?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, because I think there is always a reason when a person cries.”

“That is very clever of you, Ruby.” 

Somewhere deep within her, Amy wasn’t sure if she cried because she was sad. She was overwhelmed, that was for sure. Her daughter was right, there was always a reason, but she couldn’t quite pinpoint it yet. She also wouldn’t commit to the bubble of relieve that was claiming space in her chest.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last couple of days my brain acted up. And I rediscovered My Skin by Natalie Merchant, I haven’t listen to this in like 5 to 7 years-ish??, anyways, I hyperfocused on that and I didn’t made it very far with this chapter. Burn me. It's basically what I cut out last week. 
> 
> Hope you are all doing fine!

While Jake called Lucy, he started to cough so hard that Amy took the phone and explained that they didn’t know yet what happened and that they would call right away as soon as they did. And there were a lot of long pauses which they attempted to break with a whispered ‘oh’ on Lucy’s side and a ‘yeah’ from Amy, but then they didn’t really know where to take it from there so another break extended the phone call into the next significant infinity of the day. And when they had nearly agreed to talk again tomorrow, Lucy started again by saying:

“Well, I mean… I just… I wouldn’t have expected it to happen so fast?”

“Neither did we. It sounded like the death wasn’t directly cancer related?”

“No. Okay.” A longish pause again, and Amy could hear Jake still struggling in the background and it was almost comical for her to sit here on the edge of the tub and have this awkward phone call, while he was working himself into a fit in the other room. 

“Anyway. Jake didn’t sound so good there. Make sure he breathes right.” Amy nodded, not realizing that a telephone call didn’t work that way.

“Good then… I, we talk tomorrow, right?” Lucy continued, and there they were again.

“Yes, right.”

“Bye.” Amy hung up this time. 

She also stood up and walked into the bedroom to find Jake sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, his legs were standing in front of him and he was resting his arms around his knees. He was breathing with his mouth open and his head was leaning against the mattress. His neck was slightly overstretched when she entered, it fell to the side so he could look at her. 

He was miserable and he looked it.

“And? … Sorry, I...” he rasped, it resulted in another round of coughing and she never learned what he was apologizing for.

“This is ridiculous.” He whispered roughly afterwards.

“Maybe don’t try to talk so much?” Amy suggested and knelt down beside him. 

“I try.” The ‘try’ never made any sound past being lifted off his tongue. He tried to say something else but it produced no sound at all and he simply shook his head. Amy might have understood it as ‘sorry I made you…’ by reading his lips, but she might as well have been wrong, also after a few words he stopped in resignation.

“You are not trying, pineapples.” The answer was more coughing. She stood up and searched for his cough syrup and with it sat down beside his head on the foot of the bed. She poured out a portion and handed it to his shaking hand. He nodded in thanks and closed his eyes when the sweet syrup touched his tongue, but pulled a face when he had to swallow it.

For a while or two, they set beside one another in silence. Amy drove her fingers into the hair over his right ear and he leaned his head on her leg. The only sound was Jake’s raspy breathing. They both were lost in their thoughts. Amy span a web of worry with all the strings that run loose in her mind right now. She contemplated Jake’s reaction and what Roger’s rather sudden death would do to their new and fragile relationship with Benny and what it would do to Jake in general. She worried really much about Jake’s mental state and the fact that right now it was hard to process anything at all for him because his brain was foggy and he was in pain and he still had a fever and his skin wasn’t all healed yet. He was a mess. 

“I am going to run you a bath.” He didn’t agree, but he also didn’t disagree, so she stood up, walked out of the room and searched the bathroom cabinet for some sort of essential oils that would help him breath. She didn’t notice him suddenly standing in the doorframe, she startled when she saw him in the mirror when she closed the cabinet. She held the bottle of herb oil into his face.

“Some of this?” He nodded.

“Is Mum still here?” he rasped, his voice with enough strength to whisper a few words before he had to wait a while for new ones.

“Yes, she is making dinner right now. Undress.” It was a strange thing to say, she would say it to her children in this context, but to Jake only in a complete different one and they both laughed a bit about it,which was making Jake cough again. 

Nothing felt good about this day. Not even making each other laugh.

While Jake was resting in the tub, she changed the sheets and opened the window in the bedroom until the rain and the wind got too strong and blew the curtains out and the rain in. Afterwards she joined Jake in the bathroom just for the sake of being close to him, she set down on her knees beside the tub on the tick and warm rug like she did almost every night during bath time. 

She put a video on on the IPad and put it on the closed toilet seat. Halfway through an old episode of Jane the Virgin, and one refill of hot water - because Jake’s lungs had finally stopped rustling and he hadn’t coughed in a while - a pair of children’s steps pass the door. 

 

“Mummy?” 

“We are in here, Ruby!” Amy paused the episode and watched as the door opened and their oldest stepped into the warm room.

“Nana says dinner’s ready.” 

Amy looked at Jake who opened his eyes and then shook his head. 

“This is nicer than food.” He says, still hoarse and the credit of words for the moment is used up. 

“I am going to bring something small up for you.” She got up and started the episode again and took Ruby’s hand and left. 

On the stairs, Ruby came to a stop.

“Nana said Grandpa died.” 

Because Amy was already a few steps ahead of her, she was almost on eye level with her daughter. She was lost for words and her mouth opened and then shut again.

“Is that why you were sad earlier?”

Ohh her little girl was incredibly clever. Amy went up a step and took Ruby’s head in her hands, then she smiled a tiny bit sadly and nodded.

“Yes.”

“I don’t really like him. Is it bad if I am not really sad?” She took another step up and took Ruby in her arms.

“Don’t worry, sweetie. You didn’t know him it’s perfectly fine to feel this way.”

“Is Daddy sad?” She asked next, looking up at her.

“He is.”

“Can I go up after dinner and have a cuddle with him?”

Now that Jake’s cold had taken such a violent turn and the girls immune systems were only just building up again, Amy tried to keep them away from him. But the way Ruby looked up at her, there was almost no denying her that wish. And it would probably enhance Jake’s healing process. 

“Sure.” She kissed her forehead and let go of her. “Let’s have dinner.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gang, here it goes. I am back to a satisfying chapter length. Also you might notice that I disregard American parenttime regulations. Because they are stupit and you know that, I don't need to say that.
> 
> My dear @juliadorable told me it wasn't possible to find me on Tumblr. So I changed that. If you tried to find me and couldn't. Try again. Cool! 
> 
> Also, I had something else to say, but I forgot. It might have been important.

The next day is strange, because nothing happens. It’s monday and there wouldn’t be a result of the autopsy today, as such talking to Lucy was still awkward. It was basically calling to say there were no news. But this time, Lucy filled the conversation by saying that Benny wanted to meet up with Ruby and Ava again to play, however she also explained that she convinced him that they should wait until everyone was healthy, including Jake. But maybe, she had suggested, there was a chance before the funeral. 

Amy agreed happily because it didn’t feel at all inappropriate. It felt like a good chance to come together and build more of a bond. Because what if they waited for after the funeral and then there was nothing more to talk about, or no reason to connect? Well. she heard the words in her head and realized it was a bit silly to think that. Still, she promised to keep it in mind and, obviously to update her as soon as they learned something new.

In the morning, Amy set everyone down to check on the state of their skin. Ruby's blisters were mostly healt up and her fever was down, Amy was positive she could send her back to school soon. June, on the other hand, had still a few open ones and somehow one or two got inflamed slightly and that added to her discomfort. She was still very cuddly and not very happy most of the time. While Jake never had a full outbreak, his back still harboured at least 8 blisters and his arms even a couple of fresh spots. He still had a steady fever as well as this awful cough. Chickenpox alone was annoying and exhausting and itchy, but this was painful to watch.

Amy was on the phone with her mother. Noah was in her arm while she walked mindlessly through the living-room only putting some toys away every once in awhile and pulling out books from the shelf arbitrarily, just to sort them into what she believed was a more sensible place, ruining Jake’s previous masterpiece of a color coordinated theme. 

She steped back and was more annoyed with what she did than satisfied, realizing that now it looked like an almost finished rubik's cube. She took the phone from between her shoulder and her ear and explained to her mother that she needed to put down Noah for a moment. While she turned around to walk over to the swing, she noticeed that the chalkboard wall had a new addition. There was another, impressively good cat on the wall and it was almost too high for Ruby and there were balls of wool which was a strangely old connotation for cats. She was sure in that moment that Ruby had made Karen draw that. 

She did something then she wouldn’t have done on any other day. She asked her mum to put her father on the phone. After only five minutes they agreed that on the day of the funeral, her father would bring a kitten down with them. And when she ended the phone call, she let herself fall down on the couch, turned Noah so he was facing her while sitting on her lap and considered if she made the rught decision. She smiled when Noah happily gurgled and told him of his happy babylife in his very own baby language.

\---

It was two days later that Jake resorted the bookshelf. It was almost dark outside and there were stacks of books all around him on the carpet and Ruby was sitting close and read the first chapter of The Philosopher's Stone aloud. It’s slow but heartwarming and Jake is smiling while he worked out a system. And that is a strange thing, Amy decided. Not the smiling. The sorting. She was in the kitchen with Karen and June, who is finally better and fever-free and hungry. Amy is so relieved. And every once in awhile she is looking through the door into the living room and wondered what drove him to that.

She was very sure he was bored to his bones at this point. And that was not due to him not working. It adds to it sure, but they are similar in this regard. They chose parenthood despite knowing that it can be tedious and boring compared to police work. He had taken months of paternity leave alongside her with all three of them while taking the most fun and happiness out of it and if he complained then that was together with her, in their bed at night when it was dark enough that their words might just as well have been ghosts and untrue the next day. 

He was bored because he had reached the point at which even sleep was unbearable and his brain is mush from not using it. His heart is sick with all the grief he did not know how to handle and his lungs were tired from working overtime and his stomach muscles were overused and achy from heaving every cough out into the free. 

Also he wasn’t simply putting them back into the colour-scheme that she had ruined, even though she had promised him to keep it for at least two month. He was browsing through the books, as if searching for something. He was shaking his head every once and again and looked as if he was thinking hard. Then he put them into different parts of the shelf again. 

She watched for awhile and he didn’t seem to notice right until a thought crossed her mind and she suddenly needed to smile and laugh. That was when Jake looked up and over to her. Ruby also stopped reading.

“What’s so funny?” He asked and his voice was still not what it is supposed to be, it was airy and thin and high and ruff at the same time.

“I just thought about the tiny bookstore and how you would ruin our whole business.” He smiled and it was radiant and happy for a moment.

“Do we have a bookstore?” Ruby asked from her place on the floor that Amy couldn’t see. Her and Jake laughed together for a moment and Jake shook his head at her and started explaining their fantasy which they spun further through the years and Amy turned and walked back into the kitchen. 

\---

A few hours later, (it was after dinner and Jake was rocking June on his hip because she had had a meltdown over Karen fuzzing over her and Ruby screaming away over her head - it was all very dramatic and loud,) the tiny bit of happiness they had reclaimed in the afternoon was forcefully ripped away under their feet. And that wasn’t because the kids were acting out, but because they received an email with the autopsy report attached, and that just came along with some ice in their veins. Not for what was in it. He suffered cardiac arrest due to a pulmonary embolism. It was because they were familia with this sort of document but it referenced a person they knew and that was uncomfortable to say the least.

And also because Karen let Jake in on a secret that never should have been one in the first place and that left him standing in the kitchen utterly speechless. June still in his arm, her head was pushing against the side of his neck and she was breathing with her mouth open, still calming down after having cried heavily for nearly ten minutes. He held two empty glasses awkwardly in the other hand. Amy was upstairs putting Noah down and Ruby had tucked herself onto the couch, watching TV.

It had started with Karen staring at him for longer than he could handle. 

“Is something wrong?” He asked, standing across from her while she sat on one of the stools at the kitchen island. 

“There is something I would like you to know.” 

“What is it?” Jake smiled a bit and shook his head in anticipation.

“The night June was born, Roger was at the hospital.” The words hit him. They crashed against his eardrums and resonated in his brain but from there he couldn’t foster a reaction. It forced his mind into an almost shut down, in parts because he didn’t understand how the words could have been true and second, because that night was fixed into his memories together with at least a certain amount of trauma.

As such, there was barely a way to remember the day without at least accidentally unpacking a load of feelings. Thus, they were surfacing now simply because his brain was so occupied with working the Roger information that he wasn’t able to compartmentalize the rest.

 

°

It’s a normal Wednesday, really. There wasn’t much going on, mostly a tone of forms regarding a series of B and E’s that proved a certain pattern. Amy had Wednesday’s off. Rosa and Charles were out and the Sarge - Lieutenant now, whatever, (he needs to burn that into his brain, it can’t be that hard, right?) - spend most of his time on the phone today. So when his cell phone rang from the depth of his jeans pocket, Jake is at his desk, slumbed into the chair, his foot finding purchase at the backside of his desk. His shift is almost over. 

He fumbles around, trying not to move to much reaching for his phone. He reads Amy’s name and smiles, because that is a welcomed disruption of the afternoon. And he looks over at her desk, getting an general and fast overview, just in case she needed something.

“Hey Ba-.” He is not even finishing the word. His heart rate rises, he knows something is not right immediately. Also Amy cuts in right away.

“Something is wrong, Jake. I am on my way to the hospital. Please come. Something is really wrong.” He kicks himself back with his chair and jumps to his feet. He almost doesn’t notice the dizziness taking hold of him for a second, or Gina standing up opposite him and looking at him.

“I am leaving now.” He says and Gina nods and he nods, even though he is not sure if maybe he is shaking his head instead, but it doesn’t matter, he turns and runs towards the stairs because there is no way he is waiting for the elevator. 

However when he reaches the exit the Sarge is already there.

“I’ma gonne drive you.” He says, he is holding his leather jacket and keys. Jake simply takes the phone back to his ear and he hears Amy sobbing lightly, his heart breaks because he can hear clearly she is trying to keep it together.

“Are you almost there?”

“Mmmhm. Nearly. Jake, I am afraid, it really hurts.”

He jumps into the car and Terry starts driving and there are a number of infinities passing by. At the red lights or when Amy hangs up because she arrives or when Terry has to hit the breaks for a truck reverting out of an alleyway.

It’s the twenty-first of April and Baby is not supposed to be born until June fifteenth and when he rushes in through the Emergency Room when he wasn’t supposed to be there a nurse basically stops him by holding his shoulders and Terry comes to a hold beside him and takes his hand and it hurts. Why does he take his hand? There is too much stimuli crashing in over him, he breathes in shakingly and forces a sense of calm to wash over him because this is important and he needs to focus.

“Terry, can you please pick up Ruby from nursery?” The nurse steps back and nods in Terry’s direction and points to the desk a few feet from them where someone would be available to help them. 

“Sure, Jake, no problem at all.” He lets go of his hand and puts his hands where the nurses were a minute ago.

“It’s going to be fine.” He says and stares into his eyes but Jake needs this infinity to pass as much as he needed the other ones to pass. So he quickly pulls airs through his nostrils and nods and it works because Terry lets go and Jake can turn to the desk behind him.

“My wife, Amy Santiago came in a couple of minutes ago.” He says and the nurse takes a clipboard, stands up, comes around the desk and asks him to follow her. 

The doctors say it's important that they act very quickly. They explain risks and possible consequences and they need him to sign stuff. Jake wishes he hadn't send Terry away because he needed someone with a clear head that could tell him he was doing the right thing here. He is signing very shakily and the pen falls out of his hand as soon as he is done but the doctor already rushes away. Fractures of what they just explained pound against his skull: losing blood - not enough oxygen - possible brain damage - survival rate - 90%. That's good? Right? Right. Only 10 % do not. That's all right. Right? No. its not. that's only if they cut her out fast enough. - high risks for mother and child - what risks? He already forgot half of what has just been said to him. 

They hadn't even decided on a name yet. This cannot happen. This cannot be real. 

While someone takes him to a waiting room his breath quickens again and his hands have never stopped shaking so he grabs his left hand with his right hand and starts to pull on his fingers, press his thumb into the palm of his hand, he jiggles and rubs the skin over the joints of his fingers so hard that it hurts eventually. His wedding band turned 583 half rounds between six and six thirty. 

This is how he stands in the empty waiting room when Gina finds him. She has Eggsy on one hand and both of their bags over the other arm. 

“I needed to pick her up first. I couldn’t find anyone else. ” 

Jake doesn’t register her words. He observes her as she comes in, as she sits her daughter down in a corner with a little table and toys and collects paper and crayons and Eggsy is looking at him, not listening to what Gina says and she looks as if she wanted to run over to him. But then Gina cradles the girl’s cheek and makes her look into her eyes. And all the while Jake still feels as if he had cotton in his ears. 

The next thing he knows is Gina sitting beside him and holding his hand, but he cannot say how this happened. He was just standing there, and he stares at the bit of floor that held him for a hour and a bit. He wasn’t there any more but he couldn’t very well say with confidence that he was sitting here either.

“Have you called Karen?” Jake looks up at her. 

She repeats the question. 

Jake shakes his head and his face falls into his hands.

“So also not Amy’s parents.” He nods.

“Don’t worry… I can do it…” 

Gina doesn’t stand up though, she stares him down, he sees her through the corner of his eyes, through the gap between his thumb and his index finger and there are words that are hanging in the air between them. 

“I told the nurse at the frontdesk I was your sister, but she still wouldn’t tell me much.” She eventually says and Jake wonders if he looks that breakable right now that not even Gina, Gina! asks for the deal the moment she stepped in here.

“They said something about the placenta… placental abruption… I don’t… I haven’t… they talked so fast and so much. But… but-but they try to save the baby…” That’s when he looks up again and notices that his throat is tight and it hurts a lot, he is barely able to breath.

“Shhh. Come here Boo.” Then she has her arms around him and Eggsy is pushing herself against his side and tries to climb on his lap and with shaking hands he grabs her under the arms and draws her up and misses Ruby very much in that moment and wants her to be here right now. 

“It’s fine, Jakey.” She says in her sweet little voice and also hugs him. Time is a bit easier on him from there on, however it doesn’t pass any quicker.

The waiting room fills up. It’s Terry next who explains that Ruby is with Shannon and then the Captain who sits down right beside him and says nothing but puts his hand on his shoulder and keeps it there for a while, until the doctor from before turns the corner. He stands up instantly. 

“Your wife is fine. She did the right decision by coming in right away. Your daughter is in the care of our pediatrician team right now, you cannot see her just yet. Someone will come and talk to you soon.” 

Jake doesn’t sit back down. The moment the doctor turns around and leaves, Rosa and Charles stand in the doorway. And Charles seems unraveled and shaky but Rosa looks at him with big eyes and shakes her head and comes at him and all he does is lift his arms because they are alive. He sobs once, twice in relieve and hugs Rosa back. They stand there and Jake doesn’t see what happens behind him, but Gina talks to Rosa and explains everything, including what the doctor just said. But she doesn’t let go and he values that very highly because he needs another moment.

It’s another half an hour before a nurse comes to get him and he rushes through halls with him and takes the elevator to the fourth floor and he is very anxious, he is back at fumbling with his hands and the elevator ride takes 34 half turns of the wedding band. They arrive in the NICU and his heart pounds so heavily he thinks he might pass out due to the intensity in combination with his skin buzzing with nerves. 

Steven brings him to a room that smells very clean, but also like tea and warmness and there is a table and a couch. And a counter with drinks and snacks.

“We need you to fill out this form. It’s very short and then the doctor is going to get you, alright?” Steven puts down a pen and a form he pulls from the counter on the opposite end of the room. He invites Jake to sit down.

“I will sit with you in case anything is unclear. Can I offer you tea or coffee?” He shakes his head and sits down. He reads but doesn’t make sense of the words. Suddenly a glass of water appears before him and he instinctively grabs for it. He jadn’t notice how dry his mouth was.

“Here we need your full name.” Steve says then and points to the first line of the page and he goes through the whole form with him. Jake thanks him every few seconds, but he thinks about Amy and how very good she would be at that. And he is nervous because he will see Baby before her and he hates that thought. He hates everything about this. 

Steven walks away with the form and asks him to wait just a minute more. And maybe that minute is the longest infinity of the day.

“Jake?” He stands up. A woman maybe his age, maybe younger enters, wearing scrubs and reaches out a hand and he takes it. 

“I am Louisa. I am the pediatrician in charge of your lovely daughter tonight.” She smiles and Jake almost sobs because this feels good and positive. And nothing has felt like this so far.

“Let’s meet her, shall we?”

“Sure, please.” 

When he finally stands in front of the incubator, after going through rigorous hand washing and clothes changing, there is a tiny baby in there. He actually cannot hold the tears in and he touches the warm plastice and needs it to be gone. Needs to touch Baby to make sure she is real.

“Her oxygen levels have stabilized. Every neurological test has come back positive so far. She seems to handle herself very well, despite the circumstances.” Louisa explains beside him and starts to check the monitors. “Her blood pressure could be better.”

“Do you think you want to hold her?” Jake lifts his head startled, but doesn't look away from his daughter for more than a fracture of a second. 

“I… sure. Oh god, please. Is that fine with her?” Louisa smiles warmly and lays a hand on his arm.

“Sure! It is actually proven that skin contact can have a significant impact on the health of premature babies.” Louisa draws a chair closer to where he is standing and positions it under what he supposes is a radiatorlamp. 

“Lose the gown and sit down here.” He stares at her then.

“I am coming directly from work - at a police station, I don’t think I am clean...”

“Also undress your upper body completely. We want to put her right on your skin. Is that alright with you?” His eyes widen and memories from Ruby’s birth come up and Amy holding her for hours and bonding with her. It makes him shake his head initially.

“My wife should do that. I am not…” 

Again Louisa interrupts him by saying very kindly, but straightforward:

“Sadly, your wife is not available right now. And it will take a moment for her to recover from surgery. This babies blood pressure is low now and you can help with that.” She pauses there to check if it actually registers with him.

“Do you want to sit with her?” The doctor repeats the question.  
Jake’s answer is him starting to get out of the gown. Next he unbuttons his shirt and pulls it over his head unbottend only half way, together with his undershirt.

In the meanwhile, Louisa calls in a colleague, she introduces herself as Kate, and together they get his daugther out of the incubator.

“Does she have a name yet?” Jake shakes his head while he sits down under the warm lamp.

“No. No we haven’t… we, well we thought of some names. We didn’t agree yet.” Louisa laughs lightly and assures him that there is no pressure.

And then she is in his arms and she is asleep. She is incredibly tiny and he aches with familiarity, as if this face has always been a part of him and within seconds a past without her fades into a hazy incomprehension of a different life without her. 

He never thought anything could be as tiny as Ruby was. But he supports her back with his right hand and her feet only just reach past his wrist and his fingertips touch her head that rests feather-lightly in his elbow. She weighs nothing. Still, she is soft and warm and her fingers are tiny. She is a whole human right here, a tiny human that is a part of him and his heart moves and expands and rattles and works.

They give him a minute, and then two and three and then some. Only after he looks up again to make sure everything is alright do they ask him to lean back and lay her along his chest. They assist him so the wires she is attached to don’t get messed up and finally drape a soft yellow blanket over them. The color is kind to his eyes and reminds him of Ruby, but the blanket doesn’t really matter because he only stares at her head and talks very softly about everything that comes to his mind. About her sweet sister and her brilliant mother and how much he loves her.

She twitches every once in awhile in the following hours and when she starts to wake up she makes a noise that lets pure joy spread through his veins and very shortly after that, she starts to suck little red spots into his skin and he wants to cry in relief and does after he nudges her ear and offers her his little finger to grab, which she does grab with more strength and urgency than he thought she was capable of after the day she had. He learns very early on to never underestimate her.

He softly calls for Kate and she reassures him and explains what an incredible good sign that is. Louisa comes in and does the same and also explains that her blood pressure is actually rising. 

“She has got a way ahead of her, but she is definitely a fighter.” Louisa smiles and Jake smiles big and happily in return while in the corner of his eye he believes to see a familiar figure moving behind the shades of the the window beside the door he entered through earlier. His heart jumps with surprise but then the person is gone and he makes himself forget that happened, because there were far more important things at hand.

Kate brings him a bottle and she actually feets and he is soo proud, he can barely contain himself.

A few minutes later his mum visits and tells him that Amy is recovering well and should wake up soon and she will sit with her right away. She explains how she just wanted to check in on him. 

°

“Roger drove me to the hospital that night. He was in New York and we were texting when Gina called. And he offered me the ride and I convinced him to come upstairs with me.” 

Jake is ripped from his thoughts. 

“He was there? He was in the hospital!” Jake hadn’t noticed that he had stepped back, or that the glasses were now standing on the countertop behind him. Or that he was hugging June against him in a tight embrace, which she seemed to absolutely enjoy because her breathing was less heavy and her head was now slumbed on his shoulder. She was chewing the tip of his flannel collar. Jake didn’t notice though.

“Yes. He flew out the next morning.”

“That. I mean… Seriously?” He paused and saw how his mother wanted to repeat the same answer. “Don’t answer that. I - I...” 

Karen still watched him and it was slowly creeping up and down his spin. He thought about walking away from this but there were so many questions but non were easily expressible in words.

“I don’t know what to say to that.” He mumbled after a moment of chasing thoughts around his head. 

“You don’t need to say anything. I just wanted you to know because I know how hard it was on you that he never came to meet her.” 

He nodded and hate started brickeling in his fingertips. He looked away and pressed his cheek on June’s warm head. 

“Wasn’t he allowed inside? You were in, I remember it.” He asked without looking at her.

“He was. We were both dressed and washed and we stood outside for a while and looked inside. And you were sitting there with her and you were giving her a bottle. You were both so calm and peaceful. It was hard to go in there even for me. He wouldn’t go, honey.”

“I would have needed him to!” He whispered the words and looked up again. And he didn’t understand why he whispered, because he actually wanted to scream. It occurred to him then that there wasn’t a bit of strength left anywhere in his body to act on that need.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The kind @thehappyaddy beta read this chapter <3

That night, breathing was difficult. It was an effort. It seemed to him that if he stopped right now, then maybe his life would simply cease to exist. He didn’t want that, so he kept on pulling air in through his mouth to store it in his lungs, where he couldn’t bear to keep it very long. Thus, every breath was short and heavy on his chest. Unfortunately, that wasn’t because his lungs still ached from the cough.

Shortly after his mum had told him of his father’s visit to the hospital a little more than two and a half years ago, she had left the house. She had given him a quick hug from the side and kissed his cheek, told him she was sorry for not having said anything sooner, but she didn’t think it was very relevant up until now. Also he shouldn’t take it to the heart, Roger wouldn’t deserve that kind of attention. He hadn’t answered, he just nodded without looking at her.

Of course, that didn’t work out. His heart was giving Roger all the attention he didn’t deserve. Throughout the evening, he had continuously played that day over in his head, trying to decide if there was something he could have done that would have made Roger come in.

All the while, his fingers were pressing into the palms of his hands. Again and again he tried to stop himself. As neither himself nor June deserved such a treatment of that memory. It was about the two of them, not about him finding a way to include his father in it. It was cruel of him and he wished he could stop. Staring at the ceiling over the bed, he wished his mother had never said anything because now it was ruined. He had infiltrated a moment that was his alone. In which he was with June and in which he became a father to her and fell in love with her and felt so much pride and joy over every single breath she was working through her tiny lungs.

Noah, in that moment, managed to draw his attention. Jake looked over at him and noticed him waking up. It was shortly past eleven and it was time for his last feed of the night. Amy was still in the bathroom, so what he did was he set up to push himself over to Amy’s side of the bed where he rested himself against the headboard.

“Hey bub.” He said and leant down to pick him up. “Just a little bit longer, yeah?”

It wasn’t necessarily the best plan of action. Normally, Amy would try to not wake him up more than needed. Now Jake was initiating a whole cuddle session, but the moment Noah came to rest against his chest, his own breathing became easier and he pressed a kiss against the baby’s thick dark hair in relief.

“Daddy loves you very much.” He whispered and in the process of waking up, Noah made sweet baby noises in answer, which soon turned slight grumpy because after all he was awake, but then it turned rather joyful because he realizes that he is with his Daddy and his Daddy is warm and cozy. It was a whole five minutes before the sounds turned demanding and loader in hunger, because his Daddy could not give him what he craved right now.

“Shhh. Mummy is almost here.” He could hear how Amy was walking down the stairs just to check everything one last time as she did every night. He started to softly sing then. It was stupid because he couldn’t handle the amount of air it required and he started coughing again. It ripped through him and hurt. He turned his head as far as possible to the side and that was when Amy walked in.

“It’s a miracle he hasn’t caught anything yet.” Coming over, she took the little boy from his arms and walked a bit away from the bed. “Daddy is full of germs.” She singsonged in a high voice and laughed over at him to make sure he knew she was making fun. 

When Jake had calmed down again, she signaled for him to get back over to his side.

“Thank you for warming the bed up.” She smiled but Jake couldn’t smile back. He fell into his pillows and observed Amy’s routine, how she settled down where he just set, how she folded her legs and drew her pillow from beside the bed into her lap and put their son to her breast. He latched right away and Amy grabbed for her phone and her glasses. Jake got back to staring at the ceiling.

“Mum told me something before she left.” He decided to say after a few minutes.

Amy looked over at him shortly, before she looked back at her phone where she was reading an article.

“She left so fast. Usually she says Goodbye.” Amy distracted his thoughts. he took another moment to evaluate his words.

“She told me something about Roger.”

That got her attention. She looked over again, but this time her eyes rest on him. She was listening. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He looked away from Amy and then back again. Suddenly he felt stupid. Of course he did. Suddenly all this didn’t make much sense anymore. He couldn’t pinpoint whether he was angry, or sad or disappointed. He thought it might be mostly disappointment, but that was a sentiment that usually hurt a lot, which usually set heavily on his skin and between his thoughts. When he felt disappointment, it was always directed at himself, even though he had so much sense to understand it shouldn’t be directed at him, that it was a feeling which was commonly reserved to be directed towards other people which happened to have disappoint him. But knowing this never changed anything.

“Just say it.” She put her phone away and shortly caresses Noah who was slowly falling back asleep.

“What did he do?” She asked when he wouldn’t answer.

“He… that night June was born he was there at the hospital with mum.” The moment he said it out loud, a tear escapes his eye and he wasn’t fast enough in wiping it off.

At first Amy didn’t react much, she nodded sharply and took a single deep breath, as if she was preparing for a task. She made sure Noah was happy and full and ready to go back to sleep. She put him back into his cot and watched him for a moment. Only when she was sure he would be no distraction, did she shuffle all the way over to Jake and without much warning, she put herself down in his side while he gladly opened his arms to welcome her. That was when his body began to shake with sobs.

And she let it happen up until his lungs start to rattle and she realized that he struggled breathing, because he was still not well and she wished she could do something, take at least that pain away from him. That was also when she leveled him to his left side with her right arm and let him curl in on himself while she sat up. She started to rub his back and took his left hand and slumped over so her head is resting on his shaking shoulder. All the while he sobbed and coughed and struggled and she hurt so much in her inability to do anything but wait it out.

For the first time since Saturday he broke down. It was the first time the pain bubbled to the surface and broke out of him.

“I wish you’d had the chance to confront him. I wish you’d had more time to be angry.” She said, her words thin and broken from her own tears. His nod came with relief from Amy’s side, she was glad her words reached him through the thick layer of grief which was burying him and suffocating him.

“It hurts, Amy.” It pressed through his lips in a moment of short silence that he fought very hard to create. And Amy then almost heaved him into her arms again, hugged him with all her might and let his tears and snot cover her neck from the moment his head came to rest there.

“I want to rip time apart and have him back, just to scream into his face.” Is the next thing he works out of his sore and painfully tight throat.

“I cannot take this. It’s so much harder than hating him while he was alive.” He said next and admits something he never really did before. Never let slip from his thoughts into reality because he never believed the words. He always condemned the word ‘hate’ the moment it crossed his mind. The man was his father, he wasn’t allowed to feel that way about him.

“I am sorry… I don’t- I think. It’s not fair…” he stuttered on, having worked himself into the same place, once more within seconds.

“Don’t worry, Jake. Just say what you need to say. We can forget it tomorrow. I promise!” He nodded in answer and he may have whispered a broken okay, or it only felt like he did. Amy couldn’t be sure. It didn’t matter.

But instead of more words a silence fell over them, one that was only disturbed by Jake’s heavy breathing and it lasted past midnight and then a bit longer.

They sat intertwined in each other’s arms and legs and shared as close a space as possible. Around them, the world ceased to exist as they sunk into their heads. Amy worried and Jake mourned. Jake also wrangled with his emotions, with a truth that manifested within him but that was too hard to articulate for a long while and even when he had formulated a sentence in his head, it took another while to finally slip it past his lips: 

“If I said that I hate him for never loving me, can we forget that as well?”

“Yes, of course.” They both know it is a lie. But the words set free a wave of relief and it is tangible. It mirrors in Jake’s breathing and in the tension that left his hands and shoulders.

“There are no consequences in saying it.” Amy whispered into the space they were sharing.

“Roger never loved me.” Jake repeated the nerve of his earlier words because no matter what, he trusted Amy. They are hard words to say, they hurt his teeth, they cut his tongue. His jaw is cramped up, each syllable is tense with pain. 

And Amy let them sit between them, let their meaning work itself through his system while she began to bring back movement into their solid hug by rubbing his back.

“I am so proud of you.” She kissed the space under his right ear and he raised his head in answer in order to look her in the eyes. She was devastated by what she saw and it ran through her veins like liquid pain. But she tried her best to not let it show. His eyes were bloodshot and his lip was bleeding, the marks of his teeth were visible. That however is not what shocked her the most, it was the lost expression in his eyes and the way his jaw was shaking from emotion and clapped his teeth together every few seconds.

“What is there to be proud of?” he whispered and as if he realized his surroundings for the first time, his eyes began to wander away from her face and come to rest on Noah’s cot for a moment before he looked her in the eyes again.

“We love you so very much. I love you.” Amy chose to say, not granting him with an answer yet, needing him to get there himself. So instead, she let her forehead fall softly against his and she smiled when he answers instinctively:

“I love you.” The words were easy to say, the meaning was common sense and lived in every fiber of his body, the feeling made his heart warm and made his thoughts carry easier through his brain. Love made him whole. A shaking and broken smile found its way upon his face as a natural response to the lifted corners of Amy’s lips.

“It feels like he has so much power over you right now. But in fact he hasn’t, Jake. You are such a good person, despite what Roger did. He took happiness from you, but not the ability to love or to be happy.” Amy put her hands on his cheeks before she continued: “You are such a brilliant Dad! Do you hear me?”

Jake can only nod while new tears run down into Amy’s fingers.

“Everything is going to be fine.” She leaned towards him and kissed the corner of his mouth. Then she peels herself off him and grabs for the glass of water on his bedside.

“Drink this.” She pushed it into his hand and watched him while he drank small sips and when she took it back to put it on the bedside table again, she took him into her arms once more just to pull him down with her into a lying position. There she held him after she tucked the blanket around them and made sure they were warm and as cozy as possible.

After a while, Jake fell asleep from pure exhaustion. Amy, on the other hand, didn't find sleep for another two hours. Everything Jake said run through her head and then she worried about the funeral for a while because that was somehow easier and somewhere in between thinking about the arrangements for the flowers and deciding that the girls wouldn’t come, she also drifted off.

**Author's Note:**

> I am usually rather artzy about stories. I write short ones with the goal of exploring ways to tell stories and ideas and thoughts. This is basically putting fluff and some angst into a chronological order and hope for the best, it feels almost boring? But then, I would probably enjoy reading it and maybe others do as well. Three gold stars to you if read this far. I would award them to you in the comments… but I have no idea how ;)
> 
> Also, say hallo over on Tumblr: autumn-grace


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